Missing Persons Advocates Self-Check - are you empowering or controlling the families of the missing?

[Sara Huizenga]

In order for the following article to be most relevant and make the most sense - please appropriately substitute terms such as caregivers, clients, etc .... ;)

Peace4 Calling - Let's challenge one another to empower each other - provide information - not make decisions for ... help find the lost voices, not become their mouthpiece.


Psychology: Controlling Between Caring: Care Giver? Control Freak? Or Victim? What Is The Difference?

I have a theory. It isn’t evidence based, just formulated from psychology courses, observations and experience.
If you work in care as a care giver, you might ask yourself whether your psychological tendencies lean toward a control freak or victim. What is your motivation for becoming a care giver? Did you want to help people or were you in it for monetary reasons?

Care attracts two types of people, I believe, control freaks and victims. The victims are those who feel angry about injustice because they have suffered injustice. They generally want to empower and advocate for those who are vulnerable and will speak up for their rights.  The other group tend to be control freaks who want to (subconsciously) feel powerful and authoritarian.

The Utopia.. Not Reality!

Which One Are YOU Caregiver? Control Freak or Victim?

Empowering others is about enabling people to achieve what they want to achieve. This is where choice comes in. The role of the carergiver is the tool of the client or patient so as they can achieve their goals. The attitude here is instead of ‘you can’t do that’; it is ‘how can we enable you to achieve your goal?’ This is called a client-centred approach. It enables the person to make an informed choice.

If you are a carergiver that has this in as a priority in your practice, then you are probably a victim. You are a victim because systems are put in place, by the control freaks, so as care can be managed at the convenience of the establishment. If you are truly client-centred, you would be an anarchist, or advocate, fighting the system to benefit your client or patient.

You would be in a no-win situation because the system is designed in a manner that ‘mother knows best’. This isn’t about choice, but management convenience ran by control freaks. If you protest for the rights of your patient, those in power will consider you problematic and a chance of promotion will not be offered. At best, the care giver (victim) remains in that position, scapegoated and powerless. At worst, he/she is psychologically forced out by other’s closing rank, until they leave.

Both situations, ultimately, doesn’t help the client or patient. The situation the carer, as victim, find themselves in is a reoccurrent one. They have lived with this status most of their lives, so the cyclic behaviour starts again. They have suffered injustice, so the fight for the rights and injustice of others.
So, are you a victim or a control freak?

Mother knows best!

As a controlling carer, you might be attracted to care because you want to 'help' people. Click ‘help’ for definition. ‘Helping’ blurs the boundary between empowerment and enabling. Yourdictionary.com defines help as to make things easier or better, to do for (either partly or wholly) and to assist. Helping isn’t empowering and enabling.

Empowerment talks about the client or patient having the resources and tools to make an informed choice. To enable a patient or client is to make available, provide with the means the opportunity to fulfil that choice. An example of empowering tools is that of a living will. Click living will for more information.

The controlling carer, therefore, will soon find himself in a position of power because he adheres to the practices and procedures of the authoritative guides and legislation. A client is told; therefore, he can’t fulfil his wishes because it goes against his care plan. The mere fact that care has a plan, therefore, is controlling in itself, whether the client is in at the meeting where this plan is taken in effect or not.

The controlling carer keeps in mind budgets and cost containment. He may get a bonus for keeping costs down and kudos points from higher management. It, therefore, goes that anyone that is a threat to these practices and procedures must be kept in place. After all, rules are in place to keep us from harm. He/she is, ultimately helping the client – ‘mother knows best’.

Do you kid yourself that you are practising a client centred approach?

To help, therefore, has its benefits in the system. The perspective of the controller is doing his/her best to provide care. They kid themselves they are practicing a client centred approach within the bounds of an informed choice. This is only an informed choice, however, because the client is informed of the changes.

The victim carers would argue that this would be a restricted choice.

In view that people group themselves with like-minded people, it would be no surprise, therefore, if the victims grouped together whilst the control freaks help each other climb up the management ranks to greater status with more money.  Does this sound familiar as you look at your care environment?

Are you a victim or a control freak?

In psychology terms, it is known that societies victims tend to remain victims. It has been written that in the grand scheme of things, this is the order of life. Victims are happy to fulfil this role as they know no other way, whereas the controllers like to feel powerful and in control.

Often power is associated with money and status. This is a great motivation. Although a controlling carer may start off with the intention of ‘helping’, or what they perceive as this, the nature of their psychology soon comes into play in their behaviour. The nature of behaviour is the same with all humans; only the victim careers motivation is that of standing up for injustice.

So here you have it. If you work as a care giver, and be honest with yourself, which one are you? The control freak or the victim?

© This work is covered under Creative Commons License
Margaret Haywood demonstrates victim/carer. She stood up for the rights of patient care. The Nursing Midwifery Council (NMC) demonstrate controller/carers.


PEACE4 THE MISSING:Voice Platform and Support Network for Families of Missing and Victims of Crime.  *Headquarters of NamUs Victim Advocates
 *Command Central for the Help Find the Missing Act (Billy's Law)*   http://peace4missing.ning.com

[Gina Schuster]

This is VERY interesting article. As a survivor of childhood abuse and later abuse at the hands of my ex-husband, I am definitely in that category of victim. THIS explains why it's so easy for me to reach out and help Joe's family. I never really thought of it before.

[Jesse 'Opie' Ross]

Don't know much about psychology, Just think we have to stand back when not needed and we have to lead when others can't  go it on their own.  We are also human so we have to have a little room for error.  It should be about the one in need not the ego of the need provider.

[Sara Huizenga]

Great comments - also think it's important to not assume the tragedy someone is going through as a weakness about their ability to make decisions, etc. Don't choose to keep any helpful info from someone just because you think they're too fragile to be in the know of.

[Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin]

I agree you shouldn't keep important info from the families of the missing but I think all who work with the missing need to be very aware that there are some very fragile families out there so you need to take great care in how and who tells the families certain info.

Because of the ongoing trauma some families may have found strength they never had.  Others fall apart and are broken by the trauma.   Most are on an emotional roller coaster; some days they cope well and other days not so much.  Many are placed on daily high powered medications. This trauma, this PTSD supersized, effects not only emotions but also brain chemistry.  So yes you need to know the families well, gage their emotional level at the time you give them information. The information we many times are called upon to give the families is not like that of normal life.  It is not I need to tell you your son flunked a test today but it is I need to tell you a car has been found, blood has been found, a shirt has been found, a tip has come in, remains have been found........

 

And advocates need to know when to reach out to other professionals if they are not sure about what some info might do to a particular family.  I've had to do that before.  I was not sure if it was my place to turn the info over to a family member knowing very well how brittle that family member is so I got help to make it as easy on the family as possible.

I guess a good rule of thumb is after you build a trusting relationship with a family is to set parameters with them on what they want to be told, what types of info they feel it is okay for you to turn over to them.  Glendene Grant, Rick Morse and I are good examples of this.  I know I can tell them when a body has been found but I asked both of them first if they want me informing them or not.  I also don't drop the information on them and run.  I stay right with them giving support until body watch is over.

[Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin]

Oh boy that reminded me of all the many psychology classes I took for my degree.  Thankfully I excelled at essay questions because to memorize one of those damn theories gives me a headache!

 

Some great stuff in there but as the only person to date that got an A+ excellent at a Nazarene University on a paper on morals that people have flunked for years as I said then when asked how I got that score.......15 years of Catholic education how could I flunk a paper on morals?  Seriously.

 

So to this paper/article/research whatever I say as long as you are reaching a hand out to help another person GOD IS HAPPY WITH YOU!  He doesn't need a label on you, He doesn't need you to get it exactly right, He just needs to know that you out of love, compassion and His Spirit moving within you that you reached out actively to another.

[Gina Schuster]

Thank you so much Maureen. What you've said makes so much sense and you're absolutely right....there is no need for labels. What matters is that we're reaching out to another.

[Nina Marie]

I put myself in their shoes, for I have walked them.

Yet, I would not consider myself a victim.

I would consider myself a person whom tries to guide,

I will show them information and choices they have

available to use as tools to guide them along.

Yet IF they need help, That is why I am here.

If they need me to speak on their behalf by request,

it is a consideration, depending on the severity of the issue.

Then I redirect to someone that can better help them.

I do not control any family, I show them options and let

them choose what they feel is best for them. I never,

do anything without the families permission first and foremost.

If requested I may also help them with a few media stories or posters

to help aid in their quest of their loved one. I make videos of the

Missing for free and never want a dime, or ask for fame or

recognition. Its me and what I do.

So I really dont know a category I fit in. 

I let the Family have control as much as they want.

Its their missing loved one, not mine..

[Karen Sue Stratton]

Yes, this is a good article, I have been a victim and I do most defenitly have post trauma disorder. I agree on what you have said Maureen about info given and that may be evaluated by the family first if they even want that info. I only assume ( which has often got me in trouble) that people/family wants that info. I feel like parents, friends, advocates, etc would want to that info.

For myself, I want whatever I can get to find my daughter, I file the info, screen it by who tells me, and follow it up but never turning down anything.

I really do not know what category I would place myself in at this time. I have had plenty of psyc classes. I guess it would be in the eyes of the reader of how I would be placed in society.

[Cynthia Caron]

Growing up I was always a "caregiver" of sorts...even as a very small child. I don't think one has to be either a victim or a control freak to have empathy, compassion and good morals. I think everyone in our own life events have learned to take various traumas, as that is life...that is living.  I think a good "caretaker" is one who listens to those in need and has the ability to truly understand another person's pain and does whatever helps the individual person they are helping and not always in the same way that it may have helped another. Hope that makes sense.  Like Maureen, 15 years of Catholic education certainly helps with the moral part! LOL

[Christina Venita Quinton]

I have known LOTS of Control Freaks!!! Everything u said is FAMILIAR!!!  TRUE!TRUE!TRUE!