What not to say to the families of the missing - Need your input for this developing list!

[Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin]

Denise Harrison is putting together a list of "what not to say" to the families of the missing.  If you would like to share what bothers you that people say please do so in the comment section and I will make sure Denise sees your comments.  

http://www.gardenforthemissing.org/category/news/behind-the-headlin...

What not to say - if you are law enforcement

 

Some things you say early on during a disappearance could come back to bite you, bad. Make no mistake: some of the more callous things said even when they weren’t intended to do harm will be repeated for years to come as family members tell their stories.

Here are things you shouldn’t say to families of the missing. Most are things that are said while taking the first report, or talking to the family in the early days of the disappearance. But not all.

 

What Not to Say (many of these are actual statements by law enforcement officials speaking to families of the missing)

 

• “He is probably in Mexico having margaritas with his friends.”
• “She could have been abducted by aliens, I guess.”
• “He’s an adult. It’s not a crime for him/he has a right to walk away from his life.”
• “Wow, this is just like on TV!” (Said during an actual search.)
• “It’s a waste of time putting up flyers.”
• “When you find her she’s going to run away again.” (But there is no history of running away.)
• “99 percent of them walk back in in a couple of days.”
• “Be prepared he went off to commit suicide.”
• When no body was found the comment “Oh he just went off to start a new life.”
• “There are no signs of foul play.” (This makes it sounds like an excuse to not investigate and it’s hurtful to families who are very fearful that something has happened because they know their loved one’s habits.)
• “Closure” is a word that jars most families of the missing.  ”Resolution” is preferred.
• If you are going to release a presumed deceased statement to the media, tell the family FIRST!

 

What not to say - if you are family or friend

Some people don’t know what to say so they say nothing when someone has a loved one who goes missing. Some people say the wrong thing altogether. Here we will compile a list of things not to say, to help you not “step in it” and help the family members avoid additional pain, unintended or not.

 

• “How long are you going to keep looking?” (Don’t ask this. Always let family members keep their hope. Most are not going to stop looking, so asking this question will make it clear that you don’t understand what they are going through.)
• “Closure.” It’s a little-understood fact that this word shouldn’t ever be used. There really is no closure: often one answer leads to more questions; the pain is never going to go away, no matter, what; and life will never return to what it was. Some suggest “resolution” as a better term. Personally, I think one answer is that and only that: one answer.
• “It’s time to get on with your life.” (That and “Get over it” to me, reflect the speaker’s discomfort with the situation and not a real desire to help.)
• “Well at least you have other kids.”
• Be careful about speculating out loud any upsetting scenarios.

 

Psychics

• If you are a psychic don’t contact the family. Contact the police.
• You may think you are doing the kindest thing, but again, you should take these sorts of things to the police, not the families of the missing. Don’t drag them into what you perceive to be real visions. Some mentally cannot handle it. Psychics contacting the family are considered by many family members to be re-victimizing those living with this loss.

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Jan Smolinski also had a thread on Facebook that got a lot of us talking on this very subject of what not to say:

 

http://www.facebook.com/?sk=messages#!/profile.php?id=505245982&...

__________________________________________________________

Who is Denise Harrison? http://www.deniseharrison.com

Denise has more than 20 years of experience in publication production, editing, writing, marketing, and public and media relations. She has a Masters in Journalism and her Bachelors was in Foreign Languages.

 

Her volunteer work is as follows:

The Garden for the Missing, Creator, Owner, Manager, Blogger 2007 - Present

http://www.gardenforthemissing.org/

Created a high-profile site within the 3D realm, Second Life, that displays 180 interactive posters of missing persons around the United States. It has been rewarded with a Showcase standing on the company’s website, where the best and most highly recommended areas of Second Life are listed.

 

Project Jason, PR Manager, 2008 - Present

http://www.projectjason.org/

Project Jason is listed as a nonprofit at the Change.org website.

As a result of my work with The Garden for the Missing, I became acquainted with Project Jason, one of the premier organizations assisting families of missing persons. My interest and assistance to Project Jason led its president and board of directors to designate me public relations manager. I also manage all communications and fundraising projects for Project Jason in virtual worlds.

 

Nonprofit Commons, Event and Community Building Volunteer, 2007 – Present

http://www.nonprofitcommons.org/

Planner and manager of events held within Second Life and benefiting 80 nonprofits. The goals of the events are to increase awareness of the nonprofits to new audiences. Other contributions include advising nonprofits just entering Second Life and mentoring university students whose class assignments require using the virtual world for projects.

 

Peace4 the Missing
http://peace4missing.ning.com

[Carol]

The day Rachel disappeared, her then 13 year old daughter, my granddaughter, was taken to the sheriff''s department by her friend's parents to file a missing person's report. The officer taking the report told Amber that she better hope her stepfather had taken her mother against her will because she would be going to jail on child endangerment charges for leaving Amber alone when she turned back up. He also made several disparaging remarks about Rachel's character. This man has no business wearing a badge if he can't be more compassionate to a terrified child.

I do want to make it clear that his point-of-view was not shared by the sheriff who went above and beyond and continues to keep in contact with the family and to hold the occasional search for Rachel. The sheriff has publicly stated several times that he beileves Paul murdered Rachel and hid her body before taking his own life.

My son and Amber moved to another state last year so she could get away from all those who feel compelled to give her their opinion that her mother had ran away with a boyfriend despite evidence that her estranged husband murdered her, and hid out for three days before taking his own life. Some of these couch potato CSI's have even stated Rachel killed him despite the fact his family had seen him and talked to him after she was missing.

I think often people can't quite fathom how someone can be so diabolical as to hide the body of someone from their loved ones. They think you only see that kind of thing on television it doesn't happen to regular people. Then there are those who can't believe he was capable of such an act, after all he was just a "good ole boy". Some seem to think the victim must have in some way "asked for it". If attempting to end an abusive marriage is asking for it! These are the same people who have no empathy for those who remain in abusive relationships. They are the know alls who do nothing.

This is a topic that makes me get on my soapbox and rant. Rachel paid the ultimate price that day, her mother was left without a daughter, and her daughter without a mother. All of us who loved and cared for Rachel are left always wondering, always searching for answers that often seem impossible to find.

[Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin]

Carol...thank you for sharing. You would think it's bad enough just to have someone missing and then life throws at you and your loved ones all this additional cruelty that just adds to the nightmare.

I'm so sorry that Amber was put through that with law enforcement but glad to hear that you also have had a positive experience with law enforcement.

As for the "couch potatoe CSI's" don't feel Rachel's case was singled out by them ... they've hurt and lied about many, many of our missing and their families. All I can say is they are trash.

Give Amber our love and let her know we are thinking of her.

[Denise Harrison]

Geez! How old was Amber when he said this to her? I think we must include this in some form on the list. I am so glad you had other good LE.

[Roy Alex Flannigan]

It's simply astounding, that people could say such cruel things to others in their time of need. I got the EXACT same feeling reading these comments as I got when I read details of the actual crimes committed. Please know though that there are MORE good people that make proper and helpful comments though than there are of these insensitive (and evil) people that make the wrong ones. These people kick you when your down, how low...for every 1 of them though, there are TWO of us that will lift you back up and guard you!

[Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin]

That is true Roy! But, unfortunately many times it is the key people in these cases who the families put their trust in that make the worse comments.

[Sara Huizenga]

"bump" :)

[Jesse 'Opie' Ross]

Do not tell people they should just move on because time has passed and you start to believe their missing one is gone. Until there is proof that their loved one is deceased, you need to encourage and support the family in their faith.

Newspeople, do not call on Christmas, a month after someone has disappeared and ask to do a story on how the family is feeling. Those first few special days we felt like our whole world had come crashing down, we did not know what to do with celebrations, or festive cheer. And we especially didn't want strangers asking us to describe the hell we were going thru.

[Jesse 'Opie' Ross]

Do not avoid friends when they have a missing. It is hard to understand when old friends are afraid to look at you or talk to you. We had friends that had a loss before ours and I avoided them, the feelings were so strong; But now I realize I needed to overcome my feelings and respond to their needs.

[Tara Lopes]

I think one of the worst statements I heard was, "She was on drugs, Its no surprise she's missing, she's probably dead somewhere!". It doesn't really surprise me that LE have no symphony, But when you get these crude comments from family and friends it hurts more. Its been almost 6 years and the pain is just as strong now as it was when she went missing.