I have been trying to understand my feelings on this subject. My brother Walter Smith aka TOM has been missing since Sept. 3, 2006. After all this time, (our family KNOWING without a doubt) that our brother didn't leave on his own the LE on my brothers case calls me to let me know that they changed my brothers statis to MISSING HOMICIDE. It changed everything--and at the same time nothing! My brother is still missing and they really are no closer to finding him than Sept. 2006. My feelings have changed because hearing that one word just knocks your breath away. Don't get me wrong-it wasn't like after all this time I hadn't had the thoughts, but hearing them said out loud just changes everything because before when I would let the thought enter my mind--I could always erase it and continue to look for my brother in grocery stores, gas stations, looking at every driver and passenger in cars that pass, etc. Then you get a call like that and now I can't erase it anymore. Accepting is totally different. It takes your breath and your hope. But it don't erase it all. I still have faith and hope and true belief my brother will be found. We just change how we look for him. My big problem with all this is the emotion of changes. I find myself angrier, sadder, confused. I wonder does that make sense?
Yes, it makes total sense. Now you're being told that someone took your brother from you ... took his life away. I'm assuming the detective had a reason to make that change to Missing Homicide and that makes it more real. You now have to not only find your brother but seek justice. But in that change of status it doesn't change that you still don't have your brother in your life. What the families of the missing go through well all I can say is it is a nameless emotion or nameless emotions....not describable to anyone but those that are living it or have gone through it. For 3 years you haven't been allowed to name those emotions. Now it's starting to get names....anger, sadness and confusion. They've been so long without a name that it's now scary for you to feel an emotion that you can name. You forgot how to have true emotions. It would be like not eating for days and taking that first bite of food, eating that first meal and your body revolts, not use to the food. Your body is just not use to having named emotions and because your brother has not been found you're waffling between the named and unnamed. With each piece of the puzzle that is put in place you will learn to adjust. You still have faith and hope and that tells me you are far healthier emotionally than you think.
Thank you for your kindness. And for helping me to understand. I do know that I am stronger than I ever realized. The change has just really been eating at me and I just couldn't understand it. I have had all the emotions for so long but after the phone call they just seemed stronger. They are more surfaced. I am glad I posted that because I knew someone could help me to understand.
Maureen you really have a way with words, thank you, the way you described the emotion of changes is perfect.
You have a grasp on things and this is exactly why Peace4 is the right place to come it is a real form of therapy. Who better to explain the emotions but the people who have experienced it.
Alice everything Maureen said is true you are expressing your thoughts which is a positive. The emotions run wild and everyday is a mixed bag of emotions I know I need to concentrate everyday on my sons disappearance, he has been missing since August 2004 to try and help others even in some small way. This helps me deal with what life has dished out. Below is something I wrote and it is also written somewhere in Peace4 but titled " STORM IN A MOTHERS HEART" This could apply to anyone missing whom you love so dearly.
STORM IN A MOTHERS HEART
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
ANGRY AT TIMES YOU BET!
WHO, WHAT, WHY AND WHERE?
MINDS WORK IN STRANGE WAYS AND SOMETIMES CAN OVER POWER THE WAY ONE THINKS,
BUT THIS IS NOT MY IMAGINATION.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A LOVED ONE GO MISSING OR AN UNSOLVED HOMICIDE AND NO ONE THAT GIVES A DAMN?
CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED IF YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED THE DAILY HORROR OF HAVING SOMEONE YOU SO DEARLY LOVE, VANISH AND NOT A PERSON OF AUTHORITY AROUND TO LISTEN AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. WHEN THEY FIRST ARE REPORTED AS MISSING, SINCE THE FIRST 24, 48, OR 72 HOURS ARE THE MOST VITAL IN SOLVING A CRIME IN A MISSING PERSONS CASE. PLEASE LISTEN, EVALUATE THE SITUATION AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
THE REMARKS ARE BRUTAL, IN MY SONS CASE I HEARD "NO BODY, NO CASE" "HE IS PROBABLY IN EUROPE SOMEWHERE DRINKING BEER AND HAVING FUN," "IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK, I DON'T GET PAID AFTER FIVE" AND "YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR SON BUT NO ONE ELSE DOES." ALL THESE WORDS CAME FROM INDIVIDUALS OF AUTHORITY. SHAME ON YOU! I KNOW REMARKS LIKE THESE ARE COMMON TO FAMILIES SO DESPERATELY TURNING TO THE VERY AUTHORITIES WHO THEY THOUGHT WOULD HELP.
COME ON PEOPLE THE TECHNOLOGY IS THERE, MURDERS ARE DOING THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, WE ARE SCREAMING TO DEAF EARS AND BLIND EYES.
HOW CAN I IMPRESS UPON A SOCIETY TO SPEAK UP AND BE HEARD?
MY HEART IS CRUSHED WHEN WE GET PEOPLE DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR HELP EITHER BY PHONE OR EMAILS PLEADING TO FIND THEIR MISSING LOVED ONE. THIS SHOULD NOT BE UP TO SOMEONE WHO IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING. IS THAT NOT WHY WE SHOULD HAVE TRAINED OFFICERS TO HELP RELIEVE THIS SADNESS AND DESPERATION?
THERE IS NO TIME TO GRIEVE!
DAY IN AND DAY OUT WE HAVE BECOME DETECTIVES OURSELVES. IF HELP DOES ARRIVE IMMEDIATELY IT IS TO LATE, ALL EVIDENCE IS GONE AND TRYING TO FIND THAT PERSON HAS DIMINISHED GREATLY.
THERE ARE MANY CARING AND KIND OFFICERS WHO WOULD HELP, BUT THEY ARE NOT TRAINED AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. CAN WE HAVE SOME SORT OF CIVILIZED HUMAN BEHAVIOR THAT
WILL IN MANY CASES GET ANSWERS?
CHECK THE NUMBERS IN YOUR STATE. IN MY STATE OF CONNECTICUT ALONE THERE ARE 700 MISSING PERSONS AND 600 UNSOLVED HOMICIDES.
EVERY STATE IN THIS COUNTRY HAS SHOCKING NUMBERS, THE BLINDERS NEED TO COME OFF.
PLEASE LEGISLATORS HEAR US, SEE US, PLEASE MAKE OUR PLEAS KNOWN. YOU HAVE THE CAPABILITIES TO HELP PLEASE DON'T TURN HEADS, AFTER ALL IF IT HAPPENED TO US WHO SAYS IT CAN'T HAPPEN TO YOU.
WHAT HAS BECOME OF A SOCIETY WHEN ANSWERS ARE WITHIN REACH, BUT YET CRIMINALS HAVE THE UPPER HAND?
Maureen, Sara, Delilah, Angelbound, Gwenne, Findmywayhome, Sarah, Christy, Angie, many others (I am not intentionally leaving anyone out, everyone plays a vital role here) who reach out and extend a hand I love you guys thank you for helping those in pain sharing what you know. It does help me too!!
Alice keep your Faith and Hope that is exactly what will get you through. With God ALL things are possible. One day soon you will bring your brother home to you and the family who loves him. xxoo
Alice, There are so many caring, compassionate persons on Peace4 that have gone through all the changing emotions daily, and they always give good advice. Please know that there are a lot of loving people on this site. Most of them have loved ones missing, or have somebody close to them that they know who does. My son Tim has been missing for almost 3 years now, and I go through every emotion there is, daily. They have suspicious circumstances, but will not call it a criminal case. We know our loved ones better than anybody. Don't let anybody tell you different. Sometimes we're wrong but not that often. Whatever happened to your brother will eventually be known. After awhile, people relax, and think they got away with something. They will talk or brag, and it will come out. God bless you and never give up. We all love you and will pray for you. Thank you to all of you who have kept me going. I can't read the stories everyday, because I will cry for hours, but I think of all of you, LOL Tim's mom Mary