How an Abuser Tricks You with Apologies

[Delilah]

By Tanya Warrington

I used to assume that any apology from my first husband was a sign that he was willing to change his behavior. As the apologies stacked up, I thought he was trying but just wasn't having much success. Regardless of my conscious thoughts, my emotions took each apology to mean that from now on there was a fresh start, signifying a significant new shift in commitment and behavior.

It didn't matter how optimistic I was, however. Near the very end of our relationship, I knew he'd never change-- not unless he sought help and then fully engaged in the healing process. When I went to a domestic violence shelter and began an educational class on abuse dynamics, he began participating in an abuser support group. My battered hopes soared once again. Maybe, this last apology had been real, maybe now he'd change. It turned out that he spent his sessions lying, recoloring what had happened to make himself look like the concerned, overconscientious guy who was married to a paranoid, oversensitive gal. He was committed to damage control, not to repentance and growth.

Perhaps you've been on a similar roller coaster ride that involves apologies. How do abusive people trick normal intelligence people (and even above average intelligence people) into believing insincere apologies? I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or sociologist. I have no studies proving my ideas, but for what it's worth here are some things I've observed.

Abusive people regularly, even habitually, use our assumptions against us.

They know that we believe that we aren't "stupid enough" to be manipulated.

They know that we want to believe that our partner or parent is a good person.

They know that is the human tendency to assume that others are telling us the truth, especially if they are in our inner circle.

With these assumptions in place they have plenty of room to work on us. Following are some tricks of the trade.

1. They dangle a pretty lure:

• They make an apology a romantic production.They sweep us away with romance and chivalry. The beast is gone and the prince or princess of our dreams has arrived. Romantic words tickle our ears and romantic gestures abound. We are bedazzled and assured that the other one who hurt you isn't real, this kind person is his or her "true" self.
• They give great gifts. After "rough patches" or "tensions" have occurred, an amazing gift arrives. We feel touched. Who would spend such a lavish amount, if they didn't care?

2.They pull a bait and switch:

• They apologize for nothing in particular. In the same way that readers fill in a missing word when they are reading an article, we fill in the particulars for them.
• They apologize for the wrong thing. For example, if he bruised your arm he might say, "I'm so sorry that I was cranky earlier today."
• The apology includes the claim that he/she has been trying really hard to change.He or she looks at us with a very earnest face. We are wired to root for the hardworking underdog, so we react. Our actual experience is that nothing has changed, but he/she insists that he/she is doing much better really and why haven't you noticed. You haven't noticed because it isn't real. But you assume he/she would be telling the truth, so you beat yourself up for not noticing the improvement and being "so particular and hard-hearted."
• The apology is really about blaming someone else. We notice how quickly the apology turns to talking about work or other family, etc--but we discount it. We accept the half phrase of apology and try to catch up with the conversation. Or we object at the fast shift and he/she looks at us with shock and then hurt. How could we miss their sincere apologies? Don't we trust them and believe in them? The hook is set, we feel bad about doubting them or about not paying attention and we rush to reassure them.

3. They use a hook with a wicked barb:

• They apologize in a way that makes you feel bad. After you complain about verbal abuse, she might say, "I'm sorry. I know that you're really sensitive. I'm sorry I'm always making you mad by saying the wrong thing. I should know by now that I need to be extra careful about what I say around you." The barb is set, you forget about what she did and worry about what is wrong with you that she needs to be so careful.
• The apology is accompanied by emotional and/or physical withdrawal. The apology you are looking for after abuse is attached to the negative consequence of broken relationship for awhile. You feel an extra need for reassurance after the abuse, some sign that their is still love in this relationship and instead you get the opposite. It makes you wonder if hearing an apology for the abuse is worth it. You start wondering how you can make things better between you and them.
• The apology is full of sarcasm and accusation. But if you confront it, their face and tone instantly change. How could you think they were sarcastic? You have no idea how deeply sorrowful they are at the mere idea of hurting you. You wonder if you are going crazy.
• The apology is full of victim-ease. He just couldn't help himself. He is so damaged he just can't stand it. He is broken, so broken. He needs more of your love and help. He wants to do better, he really does. With your help maybe he can be a better man.

Any healthy person may be guilty of doing some of these things some of the time. But I believe that abusers turn these escapes from taking responsibility for themselves into an art form. Learning to observe your own reactions to apologies may be the fastest way to detect when the other party is up to something. Something that is not for your benefit. Consider trusting your gut more and implementing boundaries (such as "Let me think about this. Let's talk about it again tomorrow").

Please visit "Time's Up!"

[Sheila Joyce Gibbs]

Thankyou so very much Tanya - very well written & keys explained to a tee !
Have(d) 2 Ex's myself fitting in variously...
Blessings to you my dear,
luv sjg

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

Wow, insightful...what an amazing gift for the far too many walking the lonely road of abuse to have this message. I imagine for someone it's like handing them a piece of their sanity back...that never should have been falsely ripped away to begin with.

[Cherry Simpson]

Everyone should go add some of the lies they've heard

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

That's a good idea, Cherry...and I'm just throwing this out there, ;) but my guess is that perhaps a lot of excuses either subtly or not so much so vaguely include blame cast upon the person they are supposedly apologizing to as well. ie. better explained above...

[Sue Ollis]

I am 4 years out of a an abusive marriage ...remarried to a lovely guy now..but I still am sorting through the STUFF that went on between the ex and I. This has helped me greatly so thank you. I once was told that an abusive relationship is like a whirlpool and the abuser is in the middle dragging you into their bad behaviour with all sorts of tricks and lies...to get out of this whirlpool you need to throw yourself out! I did this ..he begged and cried and yelled [I called the police every time he came around and yelled ] I deafened my ears to his protests and embellished words. He even bought around a huge massive bunch of flowers ..this is after telling me while I was pregnant with our last baby and I had asked him to bring me something nice when I was in after the birth..I asked for some flowers as i hadnt received them for the first two babies...He said..."No your not worth it" I remember thinking thats it as soon as Im on my feet again after this baby I so going to sort you out. but I really ended up sorting me out and I was with him 16 years....so I stand back now and I remember the times where I would be aching with pain and bruising and HE would cry and I would be consoling him and saying its alright we will work it out...I hate that person I was then ...SHE drives me nuts and I cant believe its me. People have said why dont you just go why did you stay??? I know that alot will agree with me its so hard to answer that and I still dont really have a clear answer. So sorry and tears are not a sign of better days and repentance. You need space apart and then you can watch and see if the abuser takes any real steps on his own to overcome his violent behavior. Dont let them make you think they can only do it if you are there...A Lie and its all about them not letting go of their control. This forum and these articles are wonderful as it gives me a chance to keep on seeking answers and consols me with the fact that I did the right thing getting away from him. smiling now Sue

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

Sue, you always have the perfect words for others, I truly feel that way...and have felt the way you described yourself here...thanks so authentically and truly much for sharing this!

[Maureen]

Man here I've lived 4 years of extreme emotional abuse ..... and I don't even get to do the abused victim right. My abuser was non existent. I get really tired of being a support group of only one. I don't even fit on the Runaway Husband site, all their husbands told them they were leaving, it just came out of nowhere, but they did get told. This sucks.

[Sue Ollis]

Dearest Maureen I have read a little of your Life's reality and I truly cannot imagine what it was like to live through what you have. You may seem alone with this type of Malicious abuse but Im thinking there are many more victims like you that are unaware of their terrible situation as yet. You will be able to help these ones when you work your way through the extreme pain and anger you are feeling now. If your scripturally inclined ..2 scriptures came to mind about your situation. One been that a man trying to hide himself cannot be hidden and God will see all. The other about a man who does not take care of his household in every way will be made accountable for his actions. Even God recognises what kind of emotional pain has been caused against you..you are not ever alone. Maureen I do hope you find your way through this darkness and some sort of closure to bring you to peace and happiness is not afar off. sincerely with sympathy and lots of hugs Sue

[Maureen]

Thanks Sue for the Scriptural reminders...I needed that! God knows my worse trait is patience so He has to know I want to see this man, this Judge and this lawyer all made accountable.....this minute! I want to be there when all is revealed. I talk about this man as if he is 2 people and he is. I have the memories of a 24 year marriage (28 years when divorced) so the man I love I still call my husband. I have trouble saying ex-husband because that refers to this total stranger. I know I and Christine were accused of being liars when we say we were married to good men, family men, participating parents. We aren't liars the men we knew were good men. Somehow the words "late husband" fits better even though he's not dead...but he's not alive to me or his family or his friends.

I do know God knows the pain I'm in. I work for the Church and run a minstry...my faith has always been solid. It wavered only one time a few months ago but the rest of my life it's been rock solid.

Thank you so much for caring!

Maureen

[Sue Ollis]

Im glad in some small way to help..even if I am used to speak the words that God speaks to you...take it from him not me that you have been gently nudged and reminded that he loves you. The world we live in does not have all the answers but Gods word of truth does. Rest peacefully tonight and KNOW that you are loved and will have all revealed to you but its always in Gods time not our own. Yes patience..I have many a time run ahead of God and not let him sort it out for me, always to my own detriment. LOL
I understand that the memories of a good man are very real ...Im sitting here shaking my head just trying to imagine your turmoil you good darling woman. May the Peace of God always seek you out and find you. Remain faithful as this is the ONLY way through the Darkness the world is now with the eyes of faith we can see beauty in an otherwise dull disorientated and mostly lost world of humanity. Rise above it all Maureen...your so much a better woman for it. Life is a journey and the journey you have had so far did have a man in it for part of the way...walk on with your head held high as your journey had not stopped you have many wonderful things to see and friends to make. Do not look back for the past is the past and you are already in the future. God saw fit to expose the Circumstances you thought you were in ...meaning a heart that grieved over a man not even dead but had dead works...God wants you to use this gift he gave you of insight to find happiness and joy now. You can be free of it all and will be as you throw off the shackles this Fool put on you. How can you trust a man again...only one you see that is close to God and works with in the laws of God..they are out there..I have one who has restored my faith in most things but not all things not yet. Its part of the journey and I embrace the freedom I have now. you will learn to do that too. Its not wrong to wobble and waver on occasion as the steadying up process brings us back to God and closer each time. Ok I shut up now just wanted to so much reach out as a christian and share some thought with you...Soldier on in Gods Army ...smiles Sue

[judy]

you want to beleave him so bad, you start lieing to yourself,you thank ,or want to thank that it will never happen again, my abuse lasted 12years, his name for me was stuped bitch, i work ever day while he sleep, when i come in the door he would get up and tell me to get him a cup of coffee, the last time, i had a bad day at work, and when he said stuped bitch get me a cup of coffee, a light went off in my head, i wake up from a long sleep, i was stuped, i had work all day and was about to get this so cald man a cup of coffee, i lost it, that was the last time he called me a name, he cryed in the laywers off,, and beg me not to divorce him, and ask was it realy that bad,

[Sue Ollis]

Yahhhh! for Judy..you go girl. Your not Stupid at all ... he was the stupid one thinking he could get away with this behavior..you sure showed him. Lots of happiness and freedom for you to be had.. Its so great when us sisters of abuse WAKE UP and walk away from the abuse into the sunshine. smiles and hugs Sue