Voice Platform and Support Network for Families of Missing and Victims of Crime
I joined a GriefShare Group a few months ago & have gone to several meetings and received a book about grief & loss, a workbook, & have been talking with other people, learning, & watching videos. I have grown alot since I joined & and was mostly pleased with the group.
The lady who started the group ( who I will call " lin " ) lost her husband to a midnight home invasion by a 19 year old boy back in June of 2005. The boy broke in with a loaded gun intending to kill everyone in the home & rob them. She & her husband were alseep in their room while down the hall slept their two teenage sons ages 15 & 13. They woke up to the sounds of their oldest son's drum set being kicked over. The dad tells her to run outside & call 911, he runs to his son's room where the door is locked so he kicked the door in & sees the intruder choking his son. As he attacks the intruder he is shot in the stomache & then the intruder shoots the son twice & flees the residence. .
Ambulance arrives and the father has passed away from his gunshot wound but the son is still alive. He is taken to the hospital but the bullet in his back cannot be removed. He had been choked 3 times, passed out twice, & was shot twice.
Needless to say it was an incredibly random, tragic, terrifying, & traumatizing experience for the survivors.
No one knew who could have done this or why for 2 years. The son had the intruder's DNA under his fingernails. It was ran under AFIS and no results. Finally in jail on an unrelated charges 2 years later the DNA is run under AFIS again & gets a hit. The boy has been tried & sentenced to life + 50 years
She has regained her stability & got remarried to a pastor & her sons are now in college.
She decided to start up this group to help other people who were grieving.
Now here is where I come into the picture...
My dad & I were BEST FRIENDS....I LOVE that man. He is my hero. We were cloest of close. On Halloween of 2009 we found out he had a brain tumor.
He had brain surgery & started treatments for his cancer which we found out to be a high grade malignant tumor called Glioblastoma Multiforme stage 4. He was 62.
Then on December 13, 2009 my aunt went missing. Just 1 and half months after his diagnosis.
3 torrmenting months later she was found on March 20, 2010 deceased & stripped of her clothing in a bayou about 2 miles from her home.
The murderer was the last one to see her alive, a man she met on the night she disappeared. She supposedly needed a ride to town from this man who also said he paid her for sex but when she refused the sex he got man & killed her.
Her autoposy was inconclusive because she had been in the water for so long, so no cause of death could be determined.
He lied & lied & lied...and lied more for 3 solid months.
The only reason she was found was because some random fisherman decided to take his boat down this tiny bayou & drop some nets.
My dad lost his battle to cancer on August 1st 2010. I was there with him when he died & watched him take his last breaths.
ALL THIS HAPPENED WITHIN 10 MONTHS.
I lost all my family from my aunt's side & now have lost all my family from my dad's side because of chaos, pain, & betrayal.
NO ONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL.
No one can say they have walked in my shoes & know my thoughts, feelings, & emotions.
I joined the group because I was losing myself by being overwhelmed & bombarded with grief, loss, hurt, anger, bitterness, & hopelessness.
The reason I am writing this is because last Wednesday Feb 16th 2011 I went to my LAST griefshare group.
I walked in & was happy & cheerful ready to talk & relate & listen & share updates & stories with everyone.
I mentioned to everyone one thing I had learned that helped me in my grief was the fact that it could have been me in my dad & aunt's shoes.
I thought of what it would have been like to trade places with them.
If I had been the one with the brain tumor, surgery, & treatments & my dad took care of me during it & watched me suffer & pass & if I had been the one who was missing for 3 months & murdered and my aunt was looking for me....I thought, I don't think they could have recovered from that as well as I am recovering now if it would have been me in those situations.
That gave me peace. I would rather be the one sitting here grieving them, than have them be here grieving me. I think it would have destroyed them.
Before I even finished my statement, I was cut off by " lin " when she said in this weird sarcastic tone " DO YOU REALIZE....JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE ACTUALLY GO MISSING EVERYDAY?" I was stunned, I just sat there staring trying to figure out A) why she cut me off. B) did she just ask me do I realize how many people go missing? C) what made her change subject to this? Then she says " There are people who are missing & their families are still looking & most of them will never be found. " I just nodded my head, yes, of COURSE I realize this....I have been so involved in missing persons cases & tv shows & murder shows & research since I got thrown into this situation back on December 13, 2009.
I didn't know what to say at that point but could feel my head getting really HOT from anger.
She then proceeds to tell me I should be grateful that my aunt was found & it had ONLY been 3 months.
First of all, I AM VERY GRATEFUL SHE WAS FOUND.
Whatever made her think I was not grateful???
Then again, NO I will never be grateful that she missing even if it was for 1 day.
Then someone else chimes in " Oh yes, I watch that show Disappeared on Investigate Discovery channel. "
I just gathered my things & said " I am really uncomfortable " and walked out.
I will NOT be back.
I have not had any contact with her since then.
She texted me that she was sorry she made me uncomfortable but I didn't respond.
I don't think she realizes how hurtful those words were and I still cannot figure out WHY she said that to me.
WHY did she cut me off & change the subject?
She does not know what's it like to have a missing loved one.
YES I am happy my aunt is no longer missing but that 3 months did irreversible damage that I am not sure I can ever recover from.
I never got to see my aunt after she was found, we had to have a closed casket.
The funeral home couldn't even put her dress on her for fear her body would fall apart.
We have no autopsy...we lost SO much evidence because she was in the water so long.
No cause of death....did he rape her? Was she even dead when she went into the water? Did she even die that night?
There were 3 months of me wondering was she tied up in someone's shed being starved, tortured, & raped? Was she injured in a fight with this man & he left her in the woods to starve & freeze to death?
We will never know what truly happened....her murderer will never tell the truth, and if he did get a wild hair to tell the truth we won't believe him because he has lied soooo much.
When he confessed on March 2, 2010 ( 2 weeks before she was found ) he said God told him to come forward with what he had done. He told detectives that he put her in Red River BUT she was found in a totally different area far away from Red River.
Where she was found LEADS into Red River....there is no way he put her where he said he did & she float UPSTREAM into a tiny bayou.
There's alot going on in my mind at ALL TIMES....I am working through alot of stuff on a daily & nightly basis.
The only reason I am doing as good as I am is because I have secluded myself from the world & shut myself in my home.
The one time I do reach out for help with the grief share group I get slapped in my face, and why?
What did I do or say for her to talk to me like that?
I felt like she was telling me that I shouldn't be sad because LOTS of people go missing ALL THE TIME & some are NEVER found.
It was like she was saying I should be happy she was missing for 3 months & that I should get used to the idea of people being missing.
I also felt like she was telling me to feel sad about my aunt being missing was wrong.
Don't tell me how to feel. I cannot help what feelings or emotions I will feel, I cannot help WHEN I feel these things.
These feelings do not just go away once your loved one has been found....it's going to take a LONG time to somewhat accept what's haappened.
When I told her that I am still angry that the killer sat on her whereabouts for 3 months she cut me off AGAIN and says " try 2 years, I waited 2 years to find out who killed my husband. "
Was she really comparing not knowing her husband's murderer for 2 years to my aunt's missing body for 3 months????
IT'S NOT THE SAME. THEY ARE BOTH HELLISH SITUATIONS & FEARFUL FOR THEIR OWN REASONS...BUT NOT THE SAME.
And it even sounded like she made it into a competition, like her situation was worse because it took 2 years to catch the guy.
" lin " score 1 , crystal score 0.
I keep replaying everything in my mind just to make sure I am not over exxagerating or overreacting but I keep coming back to her just being rude and offensive by her choice of words, her tone, her hand gestures, & her cutting me off.
I wasn't even talking about my aunt's missing status...I was making a point to everyone in group of what has helped me cope.
did she think telling the " posistive " aspects of my aunt's missing status would make be get over it?
I didn't need any advice because I was not talking about my aunt's situation.
I ALREADY know how wonderful it is that she was eventually found.
I already realize I could still be waiting, still looking, & still wondering.
I ALREADY KNOW!!! DAMNIT...IF ANYONE KNOWS DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW!!!
And if I do need help I will reach out to those who I KNOW can help me.'
I will not ask her for advice on something she knows nothing about.
I am so floored, bewildered, shocked, hurt, & confused. I just don't know what to think & am so hurt because I thought she was my friend & she is a pastor's wife.
what are your thoughts about where she was coming from?