So after almost 3 weeks I have discovered that the greiving for my mother is completely different than how I felt when my dad died.

It is amazing how the body reacts to situations like this. Its amazing how people react to you. Its amazing how no matter how much you think you are prepared and ready for this portion of the journey, you really have no idea.

Especially after 6 years of knowing with 99% feeling that she would never have walked away from us. No calls, no letters and no contact with anyone from our small town. I knew this whole time that something had to be wrong. I have been greiving this entire time.

But when the sherrif deputy came to my house and gave me the news that I had thought I was prepared to here, I couldn't believe it. I crumbled. I am still crumbling.

My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted. I am relieved but only because I don't have to wonder anymore. I am however deeply saddened to learn her fate.

I am very guilt ridden by so many things.

I cry at the oddest times for the oddest reasons. I can stand there and tell the story as if I am recanting my grocery list. But choke up at the most rediculous things. Some hours you can barely tell that this has happened in my life and other times I am so dramatic about it all that you would think I was overeacting.

The worst part is when I get angry when people say they are happy for me. I know what they mean. But it still hurts so bad. I am not happy for me.

I keep telling myself it will get better with time, and I know its all still fresh. But its so hard to go back to work and act like everything is fine. Its hard to be at home where I have to act like everything is fine in order to preserve my family.

Its so hard to jump on board of the justice seekers world when I am just so tired. I feel like I have no energy left to even try to find out who did this.

I just wanted to share with you guys how this all feels. To me. Maybe to you. Unfortunately maybe to you in the future. I am angry that we have this sub-world because people get taken away from our lives every single day.

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Comment by marianne asher-chapman on December 5, 2009 at 6:26pm
Stephanie, Here it is Dec.5th and I just read your post. It was so sad and I am so sorry for your sadness. I am relating to what you wrote in a little different sense. Yesterday,I cried on and off all day. It was the anniversary of the day I was told that my daughter,Angie, had been murdered. So now it has been one year that I know. She had been missing a little over 5 years when her husband confessed to killing her. I was told by phone. The detective talked to me for about 10 minutes. When I hung up,to my dismay, I noticed that I had forgotten to" fan the little flame" I had for all those long years of not knowing, I kept going for her and her return. Then I was stunned that the last little bit of hope was now extinguished. Some people think I should be glad that I,at least finally know. But her remains have never been found. I think we humans NEED the body. Angie got no justice. He was sentenced to 7 years and the charge was dropped to involuntary manslaughter.(he will do about 3 years,I was told). Anyway,(sorry got off into some anger,I guess),I suppose I should feel glad to know. But having an anniversary date of "the day the flame went out" is extremely hard for me. And I feel so guilty for being so selfish that I don't have absolute proof of her death ,that I am insane. Sorry to ramble. Stephanie, I don't know the proper words to express except," I admire your strength and love you.
Comment by Christy Hotchkiss on November 29, 2009 at 11:54am
Somehow I just lost the comment I was typping for 15 minutes ARGGGGGGG Dell Laptops!!!
Stephanie, I just wanted to express my deep support, understanding, care and support to you during this time.... You are a very beautiful person, a kind caring loving one who defintiely has a gift for writing from the heart and soul there is no doubt of this!!!! LOve, care, regard, are such valuable emotions they are all deeply imbedded within our beings and souls paradoxilly enhancing and pain causing you will never know joy if you don't know sadness never happiness if you don't know pain and never know Love if you don't know anger and hate......Love is the most powerful one the one that can carry you through it all. I understand how I do going through very trying times with an elderly aging parent who is confined to a wheelchair at a nursing home and yet knows at times this is not her kind of life or world and that she is sorry because of the extra stresses and issues is causes for me the one who loves, knows and cares about her the most. It is a hard experience to go through in itself so I do nderstand your loss, pain, confusion, emotiional curves and episodes OH so well!!! Love is blessing and sometimes a curse for those who feel so deeply and truthfully!!!
Suggest reading some Kahil Ghibran he has very accurate valuable insights on the plights of humanity!!! MY care is with you every step of the way! Chris -qual1cah@aol.com
Don't ever be afraid to email me with your feelings!!
Comment by Christy Hotchkiss on November 29, 2009 at 11:43am
friend
Comment by Stephanie Thompson on November 26, 2009 at 5:23pm
I just wanted to tell you guys I love you all so much. Have a wonderful Turkey Day and Thank you again for everything.
Comment by John Quinn on November 25, 2009 at 11:27am
Yes Stephanie..We will ALWAYS be here for you..24/7 With Much LOVE...ALWAYS...john
Comment by Stephanie Thompson on November 25, 2009 at 2:15am
I am so blessed to have you all. I know that without somewhere to put my thoughts with people who understand, I would be a much bigger mess than I am. I am so grateful that you are all so willing to listen and offer validation and support.
Comment by Angie/admin on November 24, 2009 at 9:28pm
You are never really prepared to deal with hearing that any of your parents have passed on..Stephanie I know that feeling all to well..I was 16 when my dad passed away..And only 26 when my mother was murdered...I to like you felt the pain of both my parents deaths differently..I can so relate to how you felt the day the sherrif came to you house..I felt the same way the day I heard the news that the searches found remains in the field..It was all so shocking and just to much..And then to find out that summer that the DNA was of my mothers..I to cried my heart out..Stephanie I so know what you are going through..It is very exhausting and tiring...Emotionally draining and so hard to deal with and except....There is nothing that I can say to ease or take away what you are going through..Although I wish I could...Promise me Stephanie that you will continue to allow yourself to feel the pain of losing your mom..I know that right now this may sound rediculous but feeling her lose and allowing yourself to feel her absense is a good thing...When I learned of my mothers DNA confirmation in July, it was not until November 17th that I was finally able to allow myself to finally except and feel the great loss of losing my mother..I cried like I was a little girl on my aunts shoulder..I had so needed to release the pain that I had kept bottled up inside of me for so long..The pain in my heart was so over bearing and so painful..When I cried I actually felt my heart hurt....Stephanine I feel your pain, every fiber of it...You will find peace with your mom that I can promise you my love..(((hugs))))
Comment by jerdonna on November 24, 2009 at 10:48am
Thank you for your shareing what you did,I hope when i find out the truth about my mother,when she is found that i will be as strong like you!Bless you for beeing so honest about your feelings, now let the healing of gods love see you through your pain today and always bless you!
Comment by Jan Smolinski on November 24, 2009 at 2:22am
Stephanie thank you for sharing your emotions. You have spoken for so many who have to walk in similar shoes of life that come in different sizes. Maureen and Robert , it is amazing to see the emotions spill forward to share with Peace4 and all the caring members. Thank you for saying so clearly what others feel but have a hard time putting into words.
My heart goes out to you, only people who have been through a tragedy can completely understand how life altering this can be. Memories and pictures can not be taken away, that is what I rely on everyday for the past five years for my son.
It is hard to understand why some are taken to soon, but God does have a plan although sometimes it is hard to see. Stephanie may the good Lord wrap His loving arms around you and give you the peace and strength needed to continue on the journey. You have reached out and touched so many lives here, take our hands and walk with us, thank you for sharing we do understand. God bless.Love & Always Hope, Jan
Comment by Anneke Scholte on November 24, 2009 at 1:39am
My love and prayers are for you Stephanie. Don't really know what else to say to you. I've said many times , if only the body would be found it will be easier, now I know that, that might not be so.
I thank you for opening up the way you did. Thank you. !! By posting your sadness on this post, you are being a support to many of us..Pray for God to be near you in your difficult days

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