So after almost 3 weeks I have discovered that the greiving for my mother is completely different than how I felt when my dad died.
It is amazing how the body reacts to situations like this. Its amazing how people react to you. Its amazing how no matter how much you think you are prepared and ready for this portion of the journey, you really have no idea.
Especially after 6 years of knowing with 99% feeling that she would never have walked away from us. No calls, no letters and no contact with anyone from our small town. I knew this whole time that something had to be wrong. I have been greiving this entire time.
But when the sherrif deputy came to my house and gave me the news that I had thought I was prepared to here, I couldn't believe it. I crumbled. I am still crumbling.
My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted. I am relieved but only because I don't have to wonder anymore. I am however deeply saddened to learn her fate.
I am very guilt ridden by so many things.
I cry at the oddest times for the oddest reasons. I can stand there and tell the story as if I am recanting my grocery list. But choke up at the most rediculous things. Some hours you can barely tell that this has happened in my life and other times I am so dramatic about it all that you would think I was overeacting.
The worst part is when I get angry when people say they are happy for me. I know what they mean. But it still hurts so bad. I am not happy for me.
I keep telling myself it will get better with time, and I know its all still fresh. But its so hard to go back to work and act like everything is fine. Its hard to be at home where I have to act like everything is fine in order to preserve my family.
Its so hard to jump on board of the justice seekers world when I am just so tired. I feel like I have no energy left to even try to find out who did this.
I just wanted to share with you guys how this all feels. To me. Maybe to you. Unfortunately maybe to you in the future. I am angry that we have this sub-world because people get taken away from our lives every single day.