Is an adopted child a missing person too?

[mammabear]

This is probably quite a controversial question. After all, most of us in here have lost our loved one without our consent, Where as someone who adopted out their child, signed a paper. They gave permission to allow someone else to raise this child. It is an issue I have grappled with for quite some time. How DARE a person who adopted their child out compare their situation to mine.
Yet as I read the below post, written by a friend of mine, I question my perhaps too harsh judgements...

my socks are purple

Yesterday as I was driving into work-

I was contemplating how adoption has affected every single area of my life.

It doesn't stay in a nice neat little box that I can store in it's 'appropriate' place anymore.

It used to. I used to be able to pull that pretty little shoebox out of the storage of my mind - and occasionally think about the contents inside. Holding a pciture of him, I would trace the outline of his face with my fingers. Then if there was any twinge of 'negative' thoughts or feelings, I could put the lid back on, and put it back on the shelf. Close the door and walk away.

It isn't like that anymore.

Instead it is like doing the laundry. There was this one little piece of clothing that was not prewashed. Let's say it was dark purple. Either I didn't realize it was not pre-washed - or I didn't notice it fell into the machine with all my white socks.

You know the routine, you go to pull the socks out, and surprise! They're not white anymore.

Well, my adoption feelings have outgrown their shoebox. I guess the first feeling was the feeling of love. Growing up as a kid, we moved every year. My Mom, sister and I. So, I didn't develop close friendships, because I knew I was here only for a short time. If I did actually make a friend, when we moved away, I'd miss them. At first, I missed them a awful lot. We may even write letters, for awhile. But that all waned as time went on. New school, new neighborhood. I'd move on, and the feeling of missing that friendship would would taper off. We might still be 'friends' and connect later in life. But that 'gee I wish you were here' feeling wasn't so strong or even there at all anymore.

That's how I thought it would be with adoption too. Heck, I wasn't a fool all on my own - that's basically how the adoption 'counselor' said it would be. Yup, their description was - It will be really hard at first. But then the pain will decrease and eventually fade away. I figured I've dealt with that all my life, I could handle another 'loss' like that.

Sigh. I wish they were right. Instead this love for my son - whom I have not held for 13 years - this love is baffeling. How can love grow for someone I dont' see? This love and desperate longing is so intense. It has bled into every area of my life. I guess while going through the laundry of life, the vibrant color of his existance has seeped out of the box. Seeped into my day to day thoughts. Seeped into my perspective. Seeped into my thought process. There is not a spot in my sould that has not changed.

My socks are purple. They used to be white.

Anon

[Delilah]

That is quite a profound analogy and one that I had not thought of either, Mammabear. My take would be that for some women the bonds of motherhood are formed well before that little life is brought into this world and no matter where in the world it may be, it is always a part of the mother. I always told my own daughter (usually during an arguement!) that you can't choose your parents, and it will never change. Maybe that holds true with adoptions? It doesn't matter who raises and loves a child, it was brought into this world by only one mother, good or bad.

[mammabear]

I've known the writer of 'purple socks' for a few years. Although I've known about the adoption, It's only recently that I've been invited into her 'blog world'
What I read surprises and alarms me. I've been doing a bit of research. These women are at a very vulnerable point in their life. The 'counseling' is quite biased, and a lot of these women(as well as young girls) are sorely misled. What I'm reading is a lot of women saying "I NEVER knew....They didn't tell me it would be like this"
What if there were unbiased counseling available, by counselors who were well informed on ALL sides of adoption?
I'm not saying adoption should NEVER be an option...but...is it possible that with an agencies desire to make money, children are needlessly being signed off by what would have been a great mother, who was just a scared confused young lady? Is it possible some adoption agencies beguile women through biased counseling, allowing her to believe that she just wouldn't be good enough to raise and love a child?

[Maureen]

I have seen all sides to the adoption issue. All I can say is what a lucky, lucky child to be loved by so many. The birth parents may always love the child they gave up, always think about the child but the adoptive parents are there during medical emergencies, first day of school, when the bully beats the child up (physically or emotionally), first broken hearts, first missed curfews, first car accidents, they are the ones doing battle in the schools and on the playing fields for their adopted child, they are there to pack the car as the child goes off to college even though they just want to keep them home, they are the bad guys during the teen years and good guys as the child grows into an adult, and they are there and stand beside their adoptive child when he/she decides to join the military and go off to war. And, sometimes they are the ones that have to sadly bury a child.

The birth parents may live in grief over the child they gave up, in fear that the child is not being loved but the adoptive parents live in fear constantly that someone will come and take away this precious child they call their own.

I have a niece and a nephew through adoption. Even though they are now amazing adults with children of their own I could not imagine my life with them not in it. Until someone says the word "adoption" I totally forget that they are even adopted. Family is not about blood ties, DNA, it's about who on a daily basis makes sure you are okay. It's about who is there for the milestones in your life. It is those who surround you for your Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation, Marriage and the birth of your own children who have the right to say they are family.

No, a child adopted into a good, loving family is not missing.

And please birth parents know that the adoptive parents (and their whole family) say thank you each and every second of every day that you chose life and that life was given to them to care for, to love.

[Delilah]

Maureen, thank you for your insight. I have not had experience with this issue, but you and Mammabear both have brightened my outlook in so many ways.

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

This is a beautiful post, Bea! Thanks for adding!

I used to volunteer for a pregnancy hotline...one of the volunteers had chosen adoption for her little boy some years back. We were having a discussion together, about calls we received and she shared her story with me, I'll never forget it, nor the look in her eye, the look of such complete and true Mama-love...

She said she received regular pictures of her son from his adoptive family and also had a general idea that they were in somewhat of the same area that too lived.

Well, one day she had gone to Home Depot with a friend and when they had gotten back to the car and were about to leave she saw him, her son. He was playing with his Daddy by those outside Storage Sheds they have on display. She said he would hide in one and then open the door and his Daddy would act all surprised and scoop him up and hug him tight. And then he would start the game all over again, so long it went on, she said...neither one of them tiring of the game nor the hugs.

She was spellbound, just staring at them, with tears rolling down her face, her friend, feeling concerned asked if she would like to go over there, if she was so sad....her answer was no, to both questions.

I was just so relieved, she later told me, I was watching them play together, all that love there and finally I knew, wow, I did the right thing...placing him with that family, I know that's the best "Mom" thing I'll ever do.

[Maureen]

Maggie's Rose,

Thanks for sharing that story....that was beautiful and I so commend that birth mom for her heroism that day, for her love.

I failed to say in my previous post that my niece and nephew both knew from an early age that they were adopted, this was never something that was kept from them, ever.

My adopted niece's daughter is named Maggie Rose! Maggie for the Irish side of our family and Rose for her adopted grandmother on her adopted father's side. That was very hard to use "adopted" so many times in that last sentence. She is my niece and always will be.

Over the 4th of July we had a family reunion in Columbus, OH. Part of the celebration included remembering our deceased (we're Irish what can I say!). My Mom was the oldest sibling in this clan and one of the most recent to pass away. When they memorialized my Mom there wasn't a dry eye in the clan but 2 of my nieces were mostly effected. I turned and saw how effected they were and I left my table and just held both of them. One adopted, one by blood. My Mom, their grandmother, loved them both equally as I love them both equally.

Unfortunately, we all hear the horror stories but I would venture to guess that 99.999% of adopted children are in the same kind of family as mine .... where they are loved and cared for and their adoptive family members would lay down their life for them.

Here's to the birth parents that loved enough to pass their children on for hopes of a better life....And, here's to the families that were waiting with open arms and hearts to recieve those children. It was all about love. It was all God driven.

[mammabear]

I think all of you have added some very good insight/opinions. :)