Grief and the Holidays Jim Harnage Minister/Counselor Silent Ministries

[Jim Harnage]

I hope this is a thread of encouragement for someone this holiday.
Imprinted on our psyche for centuries is that holidays are the times to be with loved ones and family. When I think holiday whether the 4th of July or Christmas and if there is time to take off or even just to be home I think family.
Holidays can be a difficult time becuase how on earth can we be cheerful and feel like singing choruses when holidays are, for many, the most difficult time of grieving over a missing loved one, friend, or a loved who has passed away. As some of us grieve we feel like we will never feel like observing another holiday again. For many, holidays mark the day or period when a loved one passed, we experienced the missing of a loved one, or withstood some hard and difficult experience in our lives. For those, holidays is a reminder of the anniversary of those events.
Some choose to set the holiday aside for a few weeks, months, or a year. I know of an individual who set the observance of holidays aside unselfishly for her family while they spun in and out of the five steps of grieving.
Others observe the holidays but feel guuilty for doing do feeling guilt like they were betraying their missing or deceased loved one. It's ok to follow your feelings. I think most loved ones who have passed on to be with Jesus ot those missing would have us to to observe their memory.
Lighting a candle or establisging a Peace4 Tree such as Peace4 has done will be welcomed by those missing as a gesture and act of love saying "We are still searching for you and we want you home soon."
Some choose to make miinor changes during the first or first holiday or anniversary of a tragedy.
You are unique. There is no right or wrong way to observe or not observe your holiday. Grief and sorrow at a loved one missing or passed on to be with Jesus is rough terrain to trek. Truth is, God is there with us as father, mother, son, or daughter, or friend. Matthew says that He will never leave us nor forsake us but will be with us always even unto the end of (our) world.
This holiday you might feel like your world has ended. Your emotions are legitimate. Speak your feelings to someone that God might have placed in your path. Try to not feel guilty if you wish to observe a holiday in honor of the missing or memory of a deceased loved one. Do not feel guilty if you do not feel like being festive. We do not know how we will react this year's holidays or anniversaries of an event or a tragedy but acknowledgement is key to helping ourselves release some of the emotions. Be raw. Cry if you feel it. Your roller coaster might carry you from a high of merriment in a gift shop to a low and possibly panic-stricken moment riding down the road. Crowds and traffic might un nerve you more so. Songs heard might spark memories. All this is natural and it is ok to respond in grief and sorrow in any way that is comfortable for you. In one of our losses I, who once was blugrass and southern gospel fan no longer enjoy the far away mountainous sounds of a slow bluegrass song or the wail of a southern song. It seemed as though as if my likes and dislikes had shifted overnight in a wierd sort of way. I acknowledged that it was ok in spite of the difficulty. I went from Hank Williams to Van Halen!
Do not try to please too many. People understand more than you think and they pray for you. Others might feel guilty for feeling fective in your presence so you might find yourself assuring others that it is entirely ok to feel the holiday their way while at the same time you just maybe "sit" in a peaceful withdrawal of your own while you allow the emotions to carry out thier natural tendencies.
Observe Jesus this holiday and experience the joy of Christ's salvation for us and the hope his life, death, and resurrection and what it means to us all and the hope that we will together make changes in our lives, systems, and our determination to bring our loved ones home.
Even in your grief God is there and He chooses different ways and people as vessels to manifest his love and help to us.
God bless you all. Many prayers;
Jim and Carolyn
Silent Ministries

[Delilah]

Jim, thanks to you and Carolyn for being such loving, caring souls and bringing such soothing words to us here. Your ministry is apparent and we are witnessing such an outpouring from you and so many others who are part of our Peace4 family. We are all together and there is a safety net here that we each have grabbed on to from time to time. I think we know that each of us will have our turn at pulling another up, of celebrating joys and shedding tears of sorrow. This is a wonderful place to be, it is our time.

[Jim Harnage]

Delilah;
You are so right,this is Peace4's time. I feel that God has special blessings for Peace4, members, and future members for all of your's obedience. You all are the most practical tools to make a differenne and the largest channel for individuals to pass through with their needs, requests, and sounding off that I have seen.
God will continue to bless you as you yield and allow him to use you. Keep up the good work.Many prayers.
Jim

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

Jim, thank you so very much for sharing this, your words are a Godsend for so many here!

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

We are so blessed to have Silent Ministries at Peace4, I have joined your wonderful site and encourage everyone else here to do so as well...Thanks so much for all that you do, Jim and Carolyn!
http://silentministries.spruz.com

[Jim Harnage]

Thank you and God bless you but I feel that we are the ones blessed to be a part of the Peace4 family. Peace4 has been an outlet for us and you all have been a blessing to us. The enormous interest in Peace4's site challenges us all to renewed knowledge that there are many more people who love and care about others than we can realize. Peace4 is a Godsend and I am excite to see the responses from other countries, too.
Peace and Prayers to Peace4;
Jim and Carolyn

[Jim Harnage]

Eva;
Holidays can be difficult events for many to participate in for a number of reasons. For some, holidays mark the anniversary of a bad memory or a tragedy. Others may dread upcoming holidays because of past memories. But remember that our traditional holidays like other events in our lives are here today and gone tomorrow. It is the spirit of a tradition that precedes and follows us. It is ok if you do not feel like experiencing Christmas. You are not alone in this world of hurt and lonliness especiallly when our hurts are associated with family.
It is natural and normal to experience awful emotions such as lonliness and even hurt as we remember a holiday or season in our lives that is associated with abuse as you stated. And yes, there are individuals who become so depressed and involved in their hurts and emotions over the pain that some past memories remind us of around holidays that they take their lives. But suicide is not the answer to coping with tragedy and pain whether physical or emotional. At the same time do not allow yourself to feel overwhelmingly guilty for these feelings. Many people who have suffered abuse as you stated already have enough guilt to cope with.
Eva, if there is any possible way, it would bless me abundantly to know that not just this holiday but today and every day be a new beginning for you even if it were a new beginning just for you, a new start, a new hope, a new visiono, a new joy. How in the world is this possible when you feel as low as one can go? It is difficult to do but possible by thinking of just two people right now. You and Jesus. Allow yourself to experience all of the emotions that dwell within the beautiful individual that God created in you. Maybe for a moment you can not think about family, past, or circumstances but just dwell on you and Jesus.
You are special. God created you as only you. God created you with a purpose. Circumstances might have set you back for years and you have been obviously hurt over time and time after time. I have no mysterious word of healing for you but I do have a simple "I love you and God loves you."
Maybe you might be too afraid to reach out and feel any joy. Maybe you spent years trying to earn someonne's approval. Depending on your type of abuse you might equate love with approval. By that I mean that many people who were abused are taught by their abuser that they are loved and approved of "if" they do things right and if they do it wrong then they are punished. You might have to take months to "unlearn" the "victim behavior." You might have been taught that love has conditions. If you meet some condition or requirement you are shown some affection.
True love has no conditions. I would love for you to know real and true love that says "I love you and accept you no matter what."
True loves means knowing the worst there is to know about someone and "it doesn't matter."
I pray that you will muster the courage within you to take just one step with me toward a goal of true love and beginning with Jesus by giving your heart and life to him. You don't have to do Christmas this year if you don't feel like it. God loves you whether you do Christmas or not. Christmas is a spirit in our hearts that prompts a spirit of giving, joy, and peace. But most of all Christmas is a personal thing in that the central figure and spirit is that Jesus came to give his life for us as individuals becuase he loves us so much. Jesus does love you. I don't mean that statement as a band aid on a woulnd but as the truth regardless of anything else. You might want to experience love and happiness but maybe are a little afraid to step out. you deserve to behappy and to make yourself happy so if you are afraid then just step out a little afraid and with each step it will get easier.
We love you and pray for you today. Would you allow me to speak to you as a brother to a sister and offer this word? May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you. May the Lord give you peace. Peace and love to all.
Jim and Carolyn

[Barb Sullivan]

This is my 2nd Christmas without Brian. Sometimes I am going through the motions. Other times I think I have to do it all and more because that is what is expected of me. Christmas was and still is my favorite time of the year. I have found myself shutting out people that don't acknowledge that Brian is still missing. I know I can't make people care (which I am sure they do) But I need to know just a simple I am thinking of you will do.

[Jim Harnage]

Barb;
Thank you for your words and for your honesty. Honesty and acknowledgement is a part of dealing with the circumstances and you have no need to be ashamed of any of your emotions. Your emotions are real. Your griref is real. Grief is a thing of our lives. Like living, our heartbeat, breathing, our laughter, crying and so on grief is also a felt thing.
It is normal to want a kind word and I pray today that god has prepared individuals for you and you alone to express thier blessings and prayers on the one hand and yet on the other hand be able to go through the grief process with you, too. Going through this process doesn't mean that you are forgetting Brian and you are not betraying him by slowly and secretly to yourself ackowledging what is happening and what is happening right now is that Brian is not with you in body. In spirit yes, possibly in dreams yes, even in real life it is normal that you will spot a child who reminds you of Brian. Just the other day I was carried away with a sighting of an individual whom from a side glance was a missing frined of mine. I took it seriously and got to involved that I rushed up to her and began physical contacxt touching her calling her name. This person was scared our of her wits and I apologized to her and told her what was going on.
It is also natural for you to feel isolated from others yet at the same time want them around, not to stand over you and give you advice but just to say a smal word sometimes and sometimes just to be there.
You have entered an abnormal world. you are lonely. You are an island many times. Everything is at it's worst for you and even the least event can be a disastrous feeling for you.
I don't want to force words on you and when you are ready I'll offer some suggestions that are "you."
Just a few more words, please. As far as doing it all, if you recieve comfort in busyness and activity by all means do what is comfortable for you. But your missing baby and the loss it has created in your heart and whole life is a very, very, personal thing and no one can say to you to snap out it or hurry up and get over it. Those would be offensive words to me if someone told me that I needed to move on and get over it. You are the only one who can survey the magnitude of your tragedy and loss albeit temporary it might be or even for a lifetime. No one can know the deepness of your heart's void. No one but you can fully appreciate your relationship with Brian so do not allow anyone to "hurry up" your sorrow or grief process. And do not do things that you do not want to do "just" becuase it is what is expected of you.
You mentioned that Christmas was and is your favorite time of year. Make this Christmas "your" Christmas as you wish it. If there are others do as you feel. Make this "yours and Brians" Chrirstmas.,
Let's talk more. We love you and pray for you.
Jim and Carolyn