I know that this blog may be long but I wanted to share some of how it felt to recover from the severe trauma. I am hoping that putting it to words may help others understand how some survive the most horrible of conditions and then come out of it to survive and have a happy life one day!
In the beginning there is a lot of confusion when you mind tries to make sense with what has happened. The abductors are not stable individuals so the things they say to you do not help. Their words do not make sense so it adds to the overwhelming confusion. I was very young so I remember just crying so much! Then you have to stop because they wont let you just cry for long so then you cry when you are alone. You may become overwhelmingly depressed. You miss what you had and fear what you are now a part of. I remember feeling so bad that I could no longer eat... But then they make sure you eat... As the days go on and the new surroundings do not change your mind starts to take over. You mind guides you slowly into a place that will keep you safe for a very long time if it is needed. My mind started to close off parts and create a working group that could function in a horrific environment... I had to be able to watch someone get killed and then go to school the next day... I had to do things with many men and then go to school the next day... And all along I had to pretend that nothing was wrong... I had to survive any way possible...
Then somehow in the process of this it becomes your world. It becomes your normal. It becomes your life. You do things to stand out to the abductor so that YOU are not one of the ones who is killed. You do this by instinct. You are set with a natural instinct to survive! You become numb to the reality of what you are in. You become numb to the danger. You become numb to the pain. You forget what you had that was so wonderful before your new reality. If every day you remembered where you once were before this you could NOT survive.
Then if you are lucky enough to survive and get away this is where the journey to heal begins.
When you first get free you might even miss what you escaped from because you had built a feeling of safety there. THERE you knew how to survive. Your whole life was built around surviving and now you dont know what to do. All of the sudden you start to realize that ALL you were doing was surviving. Then the process of healing begins but ever so slowly so very slowly. It takes years many many years to be NORMAL again.
An analogy to think of is to Imagine you were sitting in one place for awhile and your whole body fell asleep. Not just one leg but your whole body totally asleep even though you are wide awake. Then think of how your body might start to wake up but imagine only getting feeling back in one finger. Imagine that just the pinky finger on your left hand started to awaken. So now you feel a little something. Imagine that is just one experience that you realize what really happened and then you face the truth of just one little thing. Then after that pinky finger is totally awake you suddenly realize that you cant feel your ring finger on your left hand so you start moving it wanting it to wake up but you must go through more memories to realize why your ring finger went to sleep. Then one day you can shake your whole hand awake! Then finally one day sometimes 15 years later you look back and cant believe how far you have come. How awake and alive you feel each day! How hard it was to go through what you did and then the healing to recover from it all!
If you are like me you become thankful! Thankful for surviving things that most dont have to go through because it awakens you to the gift that life is in a way that many others can not understand! You dont get so frustrated when something breaks or a situation does not go your way! After all you are ALIVE and SAFE and HAPPY!
What does a survivor need most... Support... Understanding... No Judgement... Someone to hold their hand... Someone to hold them while they cry... Someone to listen to their experiences without cringing... Someone to believe in them... Someone to help them find their value in life again... Someone to love them until they can learn again to love themselves...
Along the road these someones can be many different people and come in many different forms. Each someone in our lives serves a very important part of our recovery and I treasure each and every someone who was sent to me even to this day!
As I try to end this and read back the words I have spoken here I realize how parallel this is to what the family goes through in its on way. I would say that the differences are that the survivor may be living in the horrific situation alone and the family may have some support during that time. I just think that both groups probably go into similar survivor modes and then years later may actually realize the toll that it has taken...
Then at Peace 4 the missing the stories come together and give meaning to the Journey of the TRAGIC details of Missing persons! The price that is paid! The hope that is needed to Triumph over this TRAGEDY! Each story unique, Each story important, Each story building the support system that will one day Conquer and Overcome!
Forgive the length of my Blog but I had a need to share in words why the Survivors life is not over in fact it has just begun! Jacyee life for you has just begun! Live it one day or one hour or one minute at at time! We will be your someones if you need us! We will not judge, we will always listen, we will always love and one day again you will wake up and LOVE yourself again!