I know that this blog may be long but I wanted to share some of how it felt to recover from the severe trauma. I am hoping that putting it to words may help others understand how some survive the most horrible of conditions and then come out of it to survive and have a happy life one day!

In the beginning there is a lot of confusion when you mind tries to make sense with what has happened. The abductors are not stable individuals so the things they say to you do not help. Their words do not make sense so it adds to the overwhelming confusion. I was very young so I remember just crying so much! Then you have to stop because they wont let you just cry for long so then you cry when you are alone. You may become overwhelmingly depressed. You miss what you had and fear what you are now a part of. I remember feeling so bad that I could no longer eat... But then they make sure you eat... As the days go on and the new surroundings do not change your mind starts to take over. You mind guides you slowly into a place that will keep you safe for a very long time if it is needed. My mind started to close off parts and create a working group that could function in a horrific environment... I had to be able to watch someone get killed and then go to school the next day... I had to do things with many men and then go to school the next day... And all along I had to pretend that nothing was wrong... I had to survive any way possible...

Then somehow in the process of this it becomes your world. It becomes your normal. It becomes your life. You do things to stand out to the abductor so that YOU are not one of the ones who is killed. You do this by instinct. You are set with a natural instinct to survive! You become numb to the reality of what you are in. You become numb to the danger. You become numb to the pain. You forget what you had that was so wonderful before your new reality. If every day you remembered where you once were before this you could NOT survive.

Then if you are lucky enough to survive and get away this is where the journey to heal begins.

When you first get free you might even miss what you escaped from because you had built a feeling of safety there. THERE you knew how to survive. Your whole life was built around surviving and now you dont know what to do. All of the sudden you start to realize that ALL you were doing was surviving. Then the process of healing begins but ever so slowly so very slowly. It takes years many many years to be NORMAL again.

An analogy to think of is to Imagine you were sitting in one place for awhile and your whole body fell asleep. Not just one leg but your whole body totally asleep even though you are wide awake. Then think of how your body might start to wake up but imagine only getting feeling back in one finger. Imagine that just the pinky finger on your left hand started to awaken. So now you feel a little something. Imagine that is just one experience that you realize what really happened and then you face the truth of just one little thing. Then after that pinky finger is totally awake you suddenly realize that you cant feel your ring finger on your left hand so you start moving it wanting it to wake up but you must go through more memories to realize why your ring finger went to sleep. Then one day you can shake your whole hand awake! Then finally one day sometimes 15 years later you look back and cant believe how far you have come. How awake and alive you feel each day! How hard it was to go through what you did and then the healing to recover from it all!

If you are like me you become thankful! Thankful for surviving things that most dont have to go through because it awakens you to the gift that life is in a way that many others can not understand! You dont get so frustrated when something breaks or a situation does not go your way! After all you are ALIVE and SAFE and HAPPY!

What does a survivor need most... Support... Understanding... No Judgement... Someone to hold their hand... Someone to hold them while they cry... Someone to listen to their experiences without cringing... Someone to believe in them... Someone to help them find their value in life again... Someone to love them until they can learn again to love themselves...

Along the road these someones can be many different people and come in many different forms. Each someone in our lives serves a very important part of our recovery and I treasure each and every someone who was sent to me even to this day!

As I try to end this and read back the words I have spoken here I realize how parallel this is to what the family goes through in its on way. I would say that the differences are that the survivor may be living in the horrific situation alone and the family may have some support during that time. I just think that both groups probably go into similar survivor modes and then years later may actually realize the toll that it has taken...

Then at Peace 4 the missing the stories come together and give meaning to the Journey of the TRAGIC details of Missing persons! The price that is paid! The hope that is needed to Triumph over this TRAGEDY! Each story unique, Each story important, Each story building the support system that will one day Conquer and Overcome!

Forgive the length of my Blog but I had a need to share in words why the Survivors life is not over in fact it has just begun! Jacyee life for you has just begun! Live it one day or one hour or one minute at at time! We will be your someones if you need us! We will not judge, we will always listen, we will always love and one day again you will wake up and LOVE yourself again!


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Comment by Findmywayhome on November 26, 2009 at 8:10am
Thank you Maureen! You guys are so AWESOME!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!
Comment by Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin on November 25, 2009 at 10:47pm
Dang thought there was going to be a fight! LOL

FindMyWayHome the link to the blog that John was referring to is on his discussion titled:

Remember everyone.."Find My Family Is On TONIGHT !!
Comment by Findmywayhome on November 25, 2009 at 9:20pm
Wow John now I want to go read that board! Thank you so much for all of your kind words... I had a woman at my work today saying that parents of abducted children should not have false hope that they would come home one day! It hurt to hear her say that but I know it was out of ignorance and I could see the pain that she showed at the thought of having to live with something like that in her life. I would never HIT you silly!!! I think you are awesome and I love how you encourage people and speak up and speak your mind!!! We have to keep educating people... We have to remember that there are so many issues to be sensitive about and not always just the ones we have here... Now how do I find this blog and make an appearance lol!!! John I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!
Comment by John Quinn on November 25, 2009 at 5:48pm
Findmywayhome..are you ears ringing honey ?? I wrote about you in a reply to "Find MY Family" board.It seems alot of people think the show's name and nature aren't fitting.They were whimps and I got angry :( I wrote here what I wrote there just in case you want to hit me or something only NOT too hard..I"M OLD..LOL..LOL..I LOVE YOU HONEY..ALWAYS...johnny I for one do not agree with most of you.I think the title is a good one and I like the show very much ! You see,I belong to a wonderful group of people is a group that brings awareness and support to missing people and Victims of Domestic Violence Abuse.We have many members looking for their loved ones and while many aren't adopted,some are.We have one woman who's been looking for over 25 yrs to find her family.She was abducted when she was only 3 yrs old by a pedifile no less !She's been looking ever since.her story is one of heart break,tragedy,And courage ! She is still full of hope to find her family.Would you say her "adoptive family" raised her well..with sex ,violence and killings in her young life.I don't think so.Get your heads out of the box.."Adoption" doesn't always equal good !! Quite whining about someone being happy to find the REAL PARENTS..Yes..most adoptive parents are good but just like "REAL PARENTS" some are also very bad.If the show could just reunite one person looking in my group it would all be worth it.I pray the show brings more awareness to all the people looking and to have one of my members find theirwayhome as in findmywayhome..the screen name of the woman i spoke of.Thank you for letting me vent but I just got so upset with people NOT looking outside the box. Sincerly,John E Quinn
Comment by Findmywayhome on September 6, 2009 at 9:02am
Thank you Judy!
Comment by judy on September 6, 2009 at 4:20am
i love a happy ending. none of us will never know what that girl lived thought. and it takes a sick mind for anyone to say anything that happen to her was her fought. god bless you and keep you and i wish for you happy days, and nights with good dreams,
Comment by Findmywayhome on September 2, 2009 at 6:35am
Thank you Sara and Jerdonna.... Jerdonna I really hope I can influence more to go from victims to survivors.

Marueen boy do I love your spunk! I think my main problem with the reporter issue is that until my case is fully investigated by the police I have to be careful with what I say to reporters. I am going to private message you in case you know more about this and can help me with it. I look forward to the day that I can speak out more and not jepordize any investigation. Thanks so much for all of the support!!!!!

Have a great day!

Comment by Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin on September 1, 2009 at 6:53pm
"I read an article yesterday online about why Jaycee stayed in captivity written by experts and I realize that their information is what the world is reading. It was sad the answers that they came up with but at least they did not blame her and I hope that people will continue to remember that she was the VICTIM!"

DANGIT FindMyWayHome everytime you see an article like that throw your story at them....WRITE BACK to FIGHT BACK (fight ignorance)! How else is the world going to understand?
Comment by jerdonna on September 1, 2009 at 5:28pm
Im sorry for what you whent through, and bless you(hugs from me),for what you had to indore,your words and wisdom should be shared all over the world,im so glad that you are a servivor and not a victim any more,your a hero in my eyes and an insperation to me and manyothers ,thanksfor sharing,yourwisdom and you are a true blessing.....
Comment by Sara Huizenga on September 1, 2009 at 1:17pm
Amazed...everytime you speak so many are blessed...THANK YOU! xoxooxo


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