There is not a POMC chapter in the Nashville area. I cannot find a group that focuses on murdered loved ones. Although The Compassionate Friends is an awesome support group, we need something more dedicated to the topic, does not require political correctness about spiritual things, and has more events we can participate in. I agree that common, even spiritual, grief support does no good in our situation. We have tried them all and still feel lost in our grief.


You hit the nail on the head when you said there is no such thing as closure when a missing loved one is recovered, no matter the circumstances. I want to thow up when someone tells me "Well, at least now you have closure". Closure is physical, not mental or emotional. Excuse me, but I am human and as a human, the pain is real no matter how much time has lapsed since recovery. No one should have to go through what my grandson suffered and no family should have to endure the resulting grief and pain as long as they live. Much less the additional trauma of realizing there is a possibilty that what remains of him may still be out there somewhere.


With so many cracks in the laws and database management, there is no sure guarantee that, if remains are recovered whether or not for the first time, they will be identified and returned to the family. Especially if your LE agency is not compassionate and sensitive to your case.


Without strong spiritual beliefs and my beliefs in the truths of Biblical scriptures, I could not go on. Here is an example: 1 Thes 4:

13 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope.

14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.

15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep.

16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first.

17 Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord.

18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.


When the Lord returns for us and we are "caught up (ascend) together with them" this means that no matter the location or condition of our remains, our soul will be restored to our original bodies (glorified bodies for eternity) and will contain our original DNA! Notice that the scripture promises that the dead in Christ will rise first. If we are alive at the time of His coming, we will meet our loved one in the air and ascend together. What a beautiful promise to think on.


This is the eternal hope we have in Jesus yet, while these Words are comforting, satan takes a back seat in your mind and brings up hurtful things. Even though I know satan is defeated, he is very real in the present for someone who is vulnerable in their grief. But Jesus is real, comforting and calming and takes a front seat in my mind and heart. There are so many alternative ways to think, but it takes time getting there when your loss is so great. But it helps til you do.


I'll stop rambling for now. Any advice or perspective you have that may help a grieving, confused grandma would certainly be welcomed and appreciated. Thank you for the opportunity to share my heart and hurts with you. God bless you all!


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Comment by Sara Huizenga on December 20, 2010 at 10:48pm
You're moving mountains, Judy ... xoxoxoxo
Comment by Jesse 'Opie' Ross on December 20, 2010 at 10:10pm

Sometimes I think we just have to tread water for awhile.   Makes our lives tougher than some, but not as bad as for others.

Comment by Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin on December 20, 2010 at 10:05pm



Thanks for sharing on Peace4 the pain you are experiencing.  Through your words you are helping others that are on the same path experiencing what you are going through.  You are also preparing through your words those that may someday have to walk your path when their loved one is recovered deceased.


Discussions like this will help lead the way in making sure that someday families will not have to experience this new nightmare that you are facing.  Discussions like this will generate change.  The system can be fixed and laws changed.  Law enforcement can be trained on the emotional upheaval the families face and learn how to not be a part of adding additional trauma to the families.  They can only learn though if the families speak up.  Just in you speaking up look at how the wheels have been set in motion off of Peace4 to find a way to make this better. And, now that you have shared on Peace4 other wheels may turn.  It takes one person for any action to happen and many to help bring change.


I am struggling with how to help you Judy.  I agree that it is very difficult to find a local group no matter where you live that understands the missing portion of all of this. There are many good groups for those that have a loved one murdered but there are few in the world for those family members that had to endure first having a loved one missing, endure the not knowing timeframe, and then their loved one is recovered murdered or deceased from any cause. I may at this moment not be able to come up with the correct words or actions that would ease this nightmare for you but know I'm trying.  You bravely and wisely assembled a good group around you and you did that by reaching out for help.  You placed God squarely as the leader of this group and He helped surround you with people that so care about you.  We may not all be in your area but we are here for you.


I can't take away the frustration only action and change will do that.  But I can and will do whatever you need me to do to ease this new nightmare you are living.  Keep talking Judy.  Keep being brave.



Comment by Jesse 'Opie' Ross on December 20, 2010 at 9:14pm

Remember this also, If Michael weren't such a beautiful person, he would not have made your world so bright.  And because he is a beautiful person, it is natural to feel his absence so strongly.  Like 'The Dance' by Garth Brooks, if we choose to miss the pain, we would also have missed the good things.  I know that is not much comfort but it is the way the world works.  Know that our prayers are with you.

Comment by Jesse 'Opie' Ross on December 20, 2010 at 9:11pm

Judy, We must be strong whatever trials we face. It is sad to say but worse may yet come.  Still as human beings we are all faced with these times when we just can't deal.  That is when our friends and family need to be there for us. 

We don't have to worry about closure, just finding Jesse.  And yet the day may come for us when we must hear those words and people will be seeking to comfort us with closure.  I think we need to focus less on closure and the fact that others seek to comfort us.  They know no words can replace what we have lost, but they try anyway, because it is all they have.  Also remember you are there for others like us. If we find ourselves where you are, we will need someone who has been there to help us find our way, someone who will know that closure truthfully means nothing, but someone who is willing to be there when we fall apart and will help pick up the pieces.   Words fail, but love doesn't.  


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