Sudden Loss by Jim Harnage Minister/Counselor

[Jim Harnage]

This thought came to mind this morning as I was having devotions and reading the story of Mystic Salazar on Monday4. I pray these words, though not articulated as well as I would like, might be of some encouragement for someone.
Sudden loss is a thought that came to mind as I thought of the many members today who have expereinced the loss of a loved one overnight or in a blind second and what it means to us.
I remember when my middle brother disappeared as a child back in the 60's in a small of Hahira, Georgia. Community was different back then much closer. The authorities came to the school with mom who got us out of school for the search. I remember running across the playground crying and screaming my brother's name. The whole town turned out for the search. There wasn't a street that didn't have people looking. I remember the whole elementary section of school turned out for the search along with the faculty. The town froze as one of it's own sons was missing.
Fortunately, my brother, just barely walking, was found by a store merchant walking on the side of the road a couple of miles out of town with a mouthfull of Coke bottle tops, the metal kind back then.
Mom cried convulsively as she held him in her arms so sick she was bed-ridden for days from the episode of the sudden loss.
Sudden loss has been described as the loudest absence one could ever imagine, a line drawn without our permissoin.
Those experiencing it say you don't grieve because you can't yet. It's like you're in free fall. There are moms and dads who have been searching for thier child or children for years and some have just got the news of a sudden loss.
One of the weightiest loads on mothers and dads is wondering "what if" or what could they have done to have prevented this from happenieng. I wish I could just say to you that it is human and natural for you to feel this way and make it all better but saying it doesn't always help. But it is natural. It is difficult to not blame outselves.
The biggest question asked is how do I go on. Families, partucularly mothers and fathers who love their children are in limbo. They don't know where to go and they feel guilty about going on with life as they search for the missing.
Meaning to encourage you I would say that sometimes doing normal things gives you some normalcy. Ask yourself what would she or he wish you to be doing right now?
Grieving parents over a missing child has thousands of questions. We want to blame to someone. It is normal to blame the perpetrator if one is known. But most of the time a mother has only a blank face to think of and be angry with. Fearful thoughts bombard the mind are they ok where are they.
We can understand the brown leaves on the trees of autumn or fall. But it is difficult to grasp the felling of a green tree in spring or the falling of green leaves in summer. It just doesn't happen. It is against nature and the missing of a child is as against our nature as seeing brown leaves in summer time.
In many cases we turn to the justice system and engross ourselves in the searches. We constantly wonder are the authorities doing everything they can?
As friends of the families of missing loved ones we can help by...just helping. As a boy growing up in a close community friends didn't ask what could they do to help in a situation they just did. It was no mystery. Neighbors cooked and fed the kids, washed the clothes, bought groceries, took the kids to school, ran errands,even cleaned the house.
Now we are scattered not blocks away but cities even states away so we ask what can we do.
I believe the Peace4 has hit upon a solution to help create caring groups in every state and every county where the members trained and jumping right into action can help ease some of the suffering and grief felt when a loved one, a child, or adult goes missing.
God bless the members and groups of Peace4 who are generously taking a much needed personal stance on this issue and God bless and keep our babies.
Jim

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

Jim, what a beautiful post you've shared! I can literally see you frantically searching your playground and your little toddler brother with a bunch of metal bottle caps in his mouth...

You've definitely perfectly explained where Peace4 should be putting the majority of our efforts, it is comforting for all, I think, to reclaim a sense of community, even if now online.

I'm very grateful for your presence here! Thanks so very much again...xoxoxo

[Delilah]

Jim, thanks again for being so comforting! It is very much like a small community here, and when one of "ours" is missing from the fold it sets off almost a panic with Maggie and me.

We want to know the whys and wherefores of why someone would leave us! And the blaming of ourselves and analyzing what did we do wrong that would make them want to leave? In a sense, that "one" has gone missing and we have questions!

The happiest days are those when one of "ours" comes back to our community, just like the prodigal son, we welcome them back and move on from that point to love them and to support them.

It is comforting to know this place is here for all of us. We all have days when we need to vent, need a hug, or just to sit back and take a break. The work goes on because the people here care enough to see it through.

[Jim Harnage]

Thank you and I hope that we bless in some way. Peace4 is the most unique community of world wide members in concerted concern for the victims, families, and friends that I've witnessed.
Great going you all.
God bless.
Jim

[GWENNIE J]

Oh Jim this brings tears to my eyes. It is so true and It is one of the best understandings of the pain you can feel...that free falling that you never can grieve until the unknown is known. I have had this feeling and like I have said before i was a beautiful woman very well taken care of until my daughter was missing. Let me tell you not knowing aged me about 5 years more than i should be in my health and my looks. You dont have time to think about you and many times the depression that sets in really does a number on you. I wish I would have had the support that this community gives when I was going through this. Just the true understanding is beyond compare. Blessings to you my friend for this wonderful blog. Hugs and blessings.

[Maureen]

Thanks Jim for your thoughts and understanding on what the missing loved ones are faced with. It's a "sudden loss' that gets replayed in our minds and in our hearts every minute of the day until they are found. And, you are right it isn't "natural" whether it be a child or an adult missing.

And, you are right when you say this is an "unique community." There are no support groups in our communities for what we face. Peace gives us a venue to come together with others that understand.

Maureen

[Barb Sullivan]

Once again Jim you have said the right words. Thanks for your wisdom.
Barb

[Jim Harnage]

God bless you all and thank you for your prayers and comments. We know that God sees all that is going on in and behind the scenes of our loved ones. Unsolved how long ago did your child go missing? When there is no closure every turn is a new grief and each new grief takes it's toll. A smell, a sound, a name, a song, a sight, a voice, reopens the grief. And there are moms who have lost a child or have a child gone missing and have other children in the home. These children are going thrugh their own unique emotions. Jusrt becuase they do not manifest pain like adults do they still manifest it behind closed doors or through behavior changes. It is ust their way to show their pain. The opposite side of joy is pain and hurt and children hurt, too. Many mothers feel guilty when they catch themselves being happy with the siblings at home becuase they feel as if they are betraying the missing. It's ok to not grieve 100% of the time for the mssing child or loved one. It's ok to "allocate time" with each child including the missing child. If there are three children allocate time with each, time with the spouse, then time with the missing. It's ok. Over time our exterior reflects the deep inner ugly emotions, ups and downs, roller coasters, one day you have energy to clean up a hurricane and another day you can't even get out of bed to dress the children. It's natural. Some of us might be on prescription medication to aid in our dealing and that is ok. What is right? There is no right and wrong. It's unique you. No class or lesson in life taught us how to deal when our normal structures crumble suddenly in the mystery disappearance of our loved one. And it hangs aournd. Thank God for communities occupied by wonderful people willing to be there for us. The spirit and attitude of Peace4 has the makings of a community larger than life and i look forward to seeing and working with the vessels that have yielded themselves to God as vessels for practical use. I see more and more tools that will be made availalbe to it to help us all.
Jim

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

Angie! Making me cry again!

Thank you all so much for so greatly and positively touching my "in real life" life...I adore and am eternally grateful for you all...xoxoxoxo

[Jim Harnage]

To all of you;
As I read these testimonies I am trying to place all of my emotions and perceptions into one word and it is difficult except for one word...miracles. I feel even in the midst of the source or origins of each of our sorrows a miracle of healing within these testimonies. Angie, I am so happy that you have begun to find peace and I pray your peace will be forthright and continue to embrace you. Seeker, you are very courageous.
I feel miraculous this morning. It's indescribable. I pray for you all today and for Peace4 to discover community, renewed hope and vision, courage to look at your loss and missing and maintain hope. I pray that God use us all to assist each other and in God's own mysterious ways to use our spirit of determination and own personal talents and gifts to uphold our invisible family in Peace4 and to locate those missing and in the case of those who come home to us in spirit to be able to be thankful.
Acceptance is difficult. It is confused with the idea that it's all right to feel ok with what's happened to us. That is not completely true.
We will never be ok with a tragedy or loss. Accepting is about the reality of a radical change in our lives and knowing it. But acceptance is not about being ok with it.
Angie is finding peace now through Peace4 and other channels. She will not be ok with the knowledge of what has occurred in her life but she is finding a peace to the point that she can take a baby step toward renewal and resolve to begin a renewed project of seeking and helping others eek and keep hope alive. Seeker does not have to be ok with the it but she can acknowledge the blaring silence now in so much that she has at some point begun to stir up hope to help others and await her own reward, too. We don't have to be ok with the hand dealt us but we can eventually process things to the point we can "know" it is there and work to doing something about it. I firmly believe that the administrators of this Peace4 ministry had no idea the reach of the arm of their efforts or how it would grow. I don't think we realize the extent to which this community will grow.
This does not mean that we will all get the results we want no more than Christmas morning brings all of the desires of our hearts and minds under the tree. It doesn't mean we will all recieve the outcome just like we wish. God deals in neither gold, silver, or diamonds. God isn't about the shinyness but He is about being God and giving us our needs from day to day. Lord, give us this day our daily bread was Jesus' prayer. God meets our needs whether it be a loaf of bread, something shiny, something with wheels, or something you can't quiet figure out but it contains a blessing such as an angel unawares on the street corner. We are human to question God. that's ok and it natural. Even one of the most devout men in the bible, Job, questioned God about his losses and Job went to great distance in having verbal conversations with God and his friends and to read Job fully through would uncover a few free-for-alls between Job and God. Because Job was human and God is God.
Don't allow others to push you faster than you want to go in your journeys of hope. Don't allow others to use religion, (this is from a minister of 34 years) though well meaning, to press you to believe that just becuase you are Christian you should not experience emotions of hurt, rage, even hatred of which I had to deal with and overcome. You are human. It is human to feel a little envy when you hear of someone recieving an answer and you do not. Christians are not pefect just forgiven as the saying goes. We feel and we experience.
In the story of Job we have often railed on his wife for her remark to Job to curse God and die as a sign of weakness or spiritual infidelity or unfaithfulness to God. This isn't true. She, too, stood over the lifeless beings of 7 sons and 3 daughters swept out of her arms in one night and hurt so badly she could only scream and cry. She was a brave woman. Her appearance changed. I don't know if the women had vanities in those days to stand before and "make up" but grief changed her countenance. She didn't want to put on the silk clothes and make up and meet friends at the market anymore. She didn't want to cook and clean anymore. she didn't wnat to go to church becuase she didn't want to be aorund people. She lost weight and became sickly, too, as we have. Her emotions ranged from a second of bliss to the lowest of rages and all she felt like odoning was lashing out at anyone. Because she was human. Her servants and family shunned and finally told her to get a grip. that only made her angrier. But God never stopped loving her, holding her, comforting her when she didn't recognize it. Nothing can separate you from God's love not even your emotions in a critical time or times. She hung in there until God replaced her rage and the blaring silence with another family not to replace her loss as better but to meet her need to be a mother. We have losses but we can be mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, uncle, aunt, friend, and companion to others in thier needs. Peace4 has not only provided for us for this community but God has provided us with Peace4.
Just like a preacher chasing rabbits I'll hush for now (LOL). Would the ushers please come forward? LOL
Jim

[Maureen]

Don't ever "hush" Jim! Every time you share your thoughts and words there is always something that touches me that makes me stop and reflect and learn.

Maureen