The Night I Gave Up On Life

by Steven Aitchison on March 11, 2010

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The Night I Gave Up

I don’t quite know why I am sharing this extremely personal story with you now, except that there is a little voice pushing me to let it out, and I am acting on that.

This story might be upsetting for some and it might make others feel angry and for that I apologise.

I want to tell you about the night I gave up on life.

It was back in 1990, my life looked as if it was going well, I had a lot of friends, I had a decent job, I had travelled a bit, I had good looks, I had money in my pocket, the
works. The thing is I wasn’t all that happy and I couldn’t for the
life of me figure out why I was unhappy inside. I used to fantasize
about ending my life, it was actually a real comfort to know that I had
the choice of living or dying.

I used to plan how I was going to end my life so as it would look like an accident to lessen the pain on my family, my favourite fantasy was jumping off a tall building.

One night, I was working in a bar and I was walking the 2 mile walk home late at about 1am. The rain could be heard thundering down onto the pavements. I was walking slowly in the
rain as I liked the feel of rain against my skin. I noticed in the
distance a dog, and it was limping quite heavily. When the dog got
closer, I noticed the dog had only 3 legs as it ran past me. For no
reason, I started crying uncontrollably as I felt so sorry for this
dog. I couldn’t get the dog out of my mind the next day, and wondered
why I was so upset by it. I realised I felt like the dog: alone,
soaked, not fully functional and nowhere to go.

A few nights later I decided that the jacket of life no longer fitted me and I was taking the jacket off for good. I said goodnight to my mum and dad, I called my sisters earlier
on to tell them I loved them. I took 26 strong sleeping tablets up to
my bedroom after telling my dad not to wake me up in the morning for
work as I had a days holiday. I sat in bed with the tablets, a glass
of milk and cried as I took each tablet. I cried for my mum, and at
how heartbroken she would be, I cried for my dad as I had only told him
I loved him once in my life. I cried for my sisters as I would miss
them terribly and knew they would miss me. I took all 26 tablets and
put my head on my pillow to die. I am crying as I write this just now.

I can’t quite remember when I woke up, I was in hospital and two of my friends were there with my mum and dad and sisters. I had been unconscious, I honestly don’t know how long as
I have never spoken of this to my family since. The morning after I
had taken the tablets my dad was up for work as normal. He didn’t wake
me up as I had told him not to, however he heard a bang when he got up
at around 5am. Apparently I had fallen out of bed. That fall , and my
dad hearing it, saved my life, I believe.

When I woke up in the hospital there was a lot of crying, a lot of questions and a lot of explaining. The hospital psychiatrist came round and asked if I needed help. I told
her I knew why I had done it and I was going to rectify the issues in
my life. I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself at having
to put my family through something as awful as this just because I
didn’t have the balls to sort out some of my problems.

I didn’t feel I fitted into life, with the friends I had, the job, just everything. What did I do? I started over. I dropped my friends as I realised they were drinking buddies
and not friends, I changed my job, I upgraded my skills, I got my
finances sorted out and moved to another city. I have never looked
back since and I have been on a quest ever since to find myself and
share the knowledge I have with others.

Lessons From That Night

Nothing and I mean nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life. There are always options and if the worst comes to the worst, drop everything and start again. If you
are in this situation just now, please believe me when I say it will
get better and there are people who can help.

I’ve learned to tell others how much I love them and how much I appreciate them.

I’ve learned to look for the signs that others might need help.

I mentioned earlier the jacket did not fit, what I realised when I awoke in the hospital was that the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket.

I have learned so much more over the years since that night and my long standing depression was lifted in one decision – I will change my life to suit me.

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Comment by John Quinn on April 28, 2010 at 2:05am
Maureen..You're so cute my Irish Coleen!! Thank you for bringing Steven here!! It truly is an honor to have him in our family!! WITH MUCH LOVE...ALWAYS....johnny
Comment by Maureen Reintjes-Peace4 Admin on April 26, 2010 at 11:02pm

So glad you joined and got a chance to read the comments. You are appreciated just as much as you appreciate the comments left for you...did that make sense? :) We are honored to have been given the chance to read your words, and be touched by your story. Better? :) THANKS!!!!

Comment by Steven Aitchison on April 26, 2010 at 8:23am
I wanted to join this site and personally thank you for all your comments and your support, I really really appreciate it.

I received a comment, on my blog, from Maureen to say that there were a few people talking about the post on this network and I am glad I came over to check it out.

Maureen thank you for highlighting this site and thank you for sending me the link to this discussion.

Sara thank you for sharing this post on this network

Thanks you again, words can't really express how much I appreciate your comments.

Comment by Christy Hotchkiss on April 25, 2010 at 2:21pm
How I understand I really really do! I have come to that point more times than people realize you see I believe that well some of us are just "DIFFERENTINSIDE" than others.. we struggle with WELL Look at me I am so IMPORTANT I am great NO NO it just doesn't fit Just doesn't!!! YES I have benn through wow this is comfortable everything feels like it is going well smoothly and I have a lot and then something always comes along, something disrupts it turns everything upside down.... I know from my insiides that well GREED just doesn't work it just doesn't!!!! I know from my inner soul which by the way if often a blessing and a CURSE -it never gives you a break....that all these material things these gadgets these toys they keep pushing on us all this stuff well even with them all LIFE IS STILL LIFE I can't bring back the friends I have lost, I can't make those who are now struggling and suffering to survive , I can't wave one of them around and make my MOM all better and almost new, bring my DAD back....I just can't. I can't get another soul who seems to be similiar and compatible with mine to understand and accept me and share my pain, anguish sadness at times and my joy, my love my hapiness at well just seeing a HERON fly by after I was just talking to someone while fishing about them, Or seeing a beautiful sunrise over the water and or a beautiful sunset which I enjoy tremendoously BUT alwayys feel it more if I can share it with a friend who can enjoy it just as much....I have never been able to get over the need to share important things with others no matter how many times I get rejected, ignored or deemed insane or insignificant.
I sometimes get to points in LIFE what the heck am I doing here anyway If I can't make a difference can't help another soul, can't do something worth while that can help trully help what's the use???
There has alwys been a restlessness a yearning a need for meaning deep within my soul and I have "worn OUT MANY" because of my need to fullfill this obligation MANY just don't understand or care to understand....or don't know how to understand? I do really understand the drinking issue and parts of the drug abuse issue and the difficult journey constant journey to recover and recovery I have lived with alcoholism all around me parent and trusted adults and ex partner too SO many don't understand it's illusions, games, deceit and devastation I do to a great extent but not as even severely as many others I must admit, have and are. It lies within this Human dilemia we all have, somewhere within our quests for meaning, somewhere with our need to "be", to be something, to be correct all the time, to fit, to be better, stronger, faster, have more have more gadgets bigger houses, faster newer cars computers.....something... maybe tied to the riginal evolution of humans to survive we had to be stronger, more cunning, faster, more motivated than oour competition, our enemies the creatures in the wild we had to hunt to survive and escape to live, then to each other to survive somewhere within our genetic coding somethings have gone awry..look at where we are now and where we are headed ..we need to treach out and really CARE about each other, REALLY LOVE, really risk REJECTION YES and YES ABANDONMENT just for the sake of LOVING and CARING Not for any GOLD or MONEY or MONATARY PRIZES or possessions JUST for the SOULS sake ..JUST....
PLEASE Know many may be AFRAID of your JOURNEYS BUT MANY will care and try to understand Follow those ..Sharing your fears and True Journey took a lot of courage
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
helping us and others to feel and understand and get enlightenment is A VERY IMPORTANT and GREAT JOURNEY!!!!
Christy H
Comment by Gwen Johnson on April 24, 2010 at 6:10pm
What a wonderful gift of sharing your life's struggles with us. It is so important that others who suffer this to read your words and understand that even in our darkest hours there is hope. Some people dont know they have hope and that life is only what we choose to make it, not what it chooses to make us. Your an inspiration to many and you may save many lives by letting people know your story. Thank you so much for this post. Hugs.
Comment by Jan Smolinski on April 24, 2010 at 5:54am
Steven thank you for sharing, I believe in a higher power and the reason you fell out of bed was because you were brought to reality. It was not time to end your life and an angel or some higher devine power pushed you to fall on the floor. To many things happen in life that can not be explained. (my opinion but I truly believe it)
You have risen above and now understand the meaning of life. Welcome back and sharing, your testimony will help many. God bless. Yes, there is always hope we need to be fighters in life take up our crosses whatever they be and continue on one day at a time.
You are an inspiration.
Comment by Stephanie on April 24, 2010 at 2:07am
You have just proven how strong you are by sharing this story here. Thank you for allowing us into your soul and in turn teaching a very important lesson.
Comment by John Quinn on April 24, 2010 at 1:02am
Thank you Sara..I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! You help EVERYONE !! WITH MUCH LOVE...ALWAYS....johnny
Comment by Sara Huizenga on April 23, 2010 at 11:33pm
John, you are the very FIRST person that Steven's heroic story reminded me of ... you do that too, you know ... all that you admire him for ... you do for so many others as well ... xoxoxoxo
Comment by John Quinn on April 23, 2010 at 11:30pm
Steven..You are a very brave man! Not just for shareing your story but surving and growing..a new,improved you!I almost did what you did..for some of the same reasons but mostly to be with my deceased wife again.I too had all my painkillers(didn't need as many pills as you )ready and timed..but my sister was comming the next morning she informed me on "my night" and I held off.Afterwards several good friends and actually my wonderful Minnie,my deceased wife..stopped me from going through with it.But that's another story..not yours! You are an amazing man and I'm proud of you.Along with probably helping you by telling us,I'm sure you have helped some other soul realise taking your life will help no one..espicaly you!Congratulations on you decision!! We are all very happy you chose to live!!! ALWAYS....johnny


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