The Night I Gave Up
I don’t quite know why I am sharing this extremely personal story with you now, except that there is a little voice pushing me to let it out, and I am acting on that.
This story might be upsetting for some and it might make others feel angry and for that I apologise.
I want to tell you about the night I gave up on life.
It was back in 1990, my life looked as if it was going well, I had a lot of friends, I had a decent job, I had
travelled a bit, I had good looks, I had money in my pocket, the
works. The thing is I wasn’t all that happy and I couldn’t for the
life of me figure out why I was unhappy inside. I used to fantasize
about ending my life, it was actually a real comfort to know that I had
the choice of living or dying.
I used to plan how I was going to end my life so as it would look like an accident to lessen the pain on my family, my favourite fantasy was jumping off a tall building.
One night, I was working in a bar and I was walking the 2 mile walk home late at about 1am. The rain could be
heard thundering down onto the pavements. I was walking slowly in the
rain as I liked the feel of rain against my skin. I noticed in the
distance a dog, and it was limping quite heavily. When the dog got
closer, I noticed the dog had only 3 legs as it ran past me. For no
reason, I started crying uncontrollably as I felt so sorry for this
dog. I couldn’t get the dog out of my mind the next day, and wondered
why I was so upset by it. I realised I felt like the dog: alone,
soaked, not fully functional and nowhere to go.
A few nights later I decided that the jacket of life no longer fitted me and I was taking the jacket off for
good. I said goodnight to my mum and dad, I called my sisters earlier
on to tell them I loved them. I took 26 strong sleeping tablets up to
my bedroom after telling my dad not to wake me up in the morning for
work as I had a days holiday. I sat in bed with the tablets, a glass
of milk and cried as I took each tablet. I cried for my mum, and at
how heartbroken she would be, I cried for my dad as I had only told him
I loved him once in my life. I cried for my sisters as I would miss
them terribly and knew they would miss me. I took all 26 tablets and
put my head on my pillow to die. I am crying as I write this just now.
I can’t quite remember when I woke up, I was in hospital and two of my friends were there with my mum and dad
and sisters. I had been unconscious, I honestly don’t know how long as
I have never spoken of this to my family since. The morning after I
had taken the tablets my dad was up for work as normal. He didn’t wake
me up as I had told him not to, however he heard a bang when he got up
at around 5am. Apparently I had fallen out of bed. That fall , and my
dad hearing it, saved my life, I believe.
When I woke up in the hospital there was a lot of crying, a lot of questions and a lot of explaining. The
hospital psychiatrist came round and asked if I needed help. I told
her I knew why I had done it and I was going to rectify the issues in
my life. I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself at having
to put my family through something as awful as this just because I
didn’t have the balls to sort out some of my problems.
I didn’t feel I fitted into life, with the friends I had, the job, just everything. What did I do? I started
over. I dropped my friends as I realised they were drinking buddies
and not friends, I changed my job, I upgraded my skills, I got my
finances sorted out and moved to another city. I have never looked
back since and I have been on a quest ever since to find myself and
share the knowledge I have with others.
Lessons From That Night
Nothing and I mean nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life. There are always options and if
the worst comes to the worst, drop everything and start again. If you
are in this situation just now, please believe me when I say it will
get better and there are people who can help.
I’ve learned to tell others how much I love them and how much I appreciate them.
I’ve learned to look for the signs that others might need help.
I mentioned earlier the jacket did not fit, what I realised when I awoke in the hospital was that the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket.
I have learned so much more over the years since that night and my long standing depression was lifted in one decision – I will change my life to suit me.