When Is Tough Love Abuse?

[Jim Harnage]

Have you ever had enough? Have you took it on the chin and cheek and bent over back wards even forwards? All you get is another surprise and disappointment.
Are you so used to getting smacked in the face litterally and figuratively untik you cringe when you are approached by even the total stanger wondering what he is going to hit you with?
Are you so used to pain, disappointment and sickly disgusted of wondering who is going to slap you next with their ignorance, pride, and obnozxious breathe of arrogance?
You walk along expecting another hit when all of of soeone says I love you and you mean the world to me?
Just when you expected to be defensive for yourself they come out with an unexpected "you are doing the most wonderful things."
We know what it is like.
Can't we just say something good about someone today? Why can't we lay down the swords of strife that is alive in church teachings and traditions.?
Why do you care that your son is a rock climber when he could be an inmate in a federal pen for murder?
Why do you scream at your daughter who wears lip stick and black fingernails with pink hair but has the most loving attitide when you give no thought that she could be in the grace?
Is is really important what people look like, smell, like, act like, love like, teach like, where they go to church, or how long is thier hair when you consider the alternative that there is only one other place for them and that is 4 feet under.
Why do fathers fuss and hurt their children who want to be scienttists or game geeks and earn a million dollars when those sons culd be sitting in a 6x9 cell for life?
Why do we get wriled when Sally wants to go to the movie theater or spen a day at the beach with her beau and turn it into an internatinal incident yet we will take three days to the beach and leave the kids home to fiend for themselves.
By the way fathers what do you do with your children?
Fathers, had you rather take a friend fishing than take your own son?
Had you rather be watching CSI with your bud but yell at your child wh wants to play a little ball.
We fathers have a tendency to be happier with other's children and let ours go.
We tend to compliment another child on his eagle patch but give no consideration for the 100 that our son made on the math test.
Have parents ever thought that our children are human too? And have we thought that being human they feel like all they get is verbal slap of disapproval. Christian fathers can be hypocrites. We laugh and love at church but we're slobs and snots at home.
We are crazy about the pianist but yell at Sally for playing too loud at home.
We sing O How I Love Jesus at church and go home shout and yell at the wife, curse the neighbor's dog for pooping on the lawn, and yell at the kids to go oto bed "or else." Without a snack or a hug of love.
We are hypocrites as dads and pastors.
Pastotrs are some of the most hypocritical persnos. Yes WE are.
We preach love and hate our children.
We preach parents to take timw with kids but it is us and our buddies who take the boat and tent on a camping trip.
Jeus said we make the outside of our sepulchre or grace tomb white by washing and painting but inside WE are full of dead men's bones.
One thing in the pulpit, one thing on the job, on eting in the club, another totally diffeent thing in the home.
How about a yard sale dad with the kids and take the money and let them have fun with you at a park.
How about church together where they can learn with you.
How about learning how to listen without judging.
Emotional abuse is more subtle than we think and we can control it. Caring becomes emotinal abuse when we do try to be rational over the issues and we force our churh dogma or person agenda on children without their inout. Emotinoal abuse is present when we iinsist ona course of actoin for our children without thinking what it's long term effects will be. Insisting your daughter does not smoke weed is one thing. But beating the hell out of her for smoking weed is wrong. Teaching your son the ill effects of smoking or drinking is one thing, That is constructive. But beating them lifeless where they cannot attend a school for days is abuse.
Telling her the dress is too short is one thing. But walking behind her, opening the door on her while she is dressing, demanding that she show you the undergarments she is wearing so you can sign off is emotional abuse and exploitation. And lots of this is done in the name of Jesus and religion. We call it tough love. It is wrong.
Pastor Jim

[Maureen]

Jim,

I have tried to voice just what you have said in your blog to parents for years. They pretty much look at me like I'm nuts. Do I care? Nope. My husband and I raised three daughters that grew up to be caring, loving, responsible, respected and well liked young women. Women who don't have a qualm about standing up for what they believe in. Our parenting was focused on trust, respect, love and spiritual growth. As I've said before we punished the action not the child. They grew up knowing that it was okay to win battles and just as okay to admit defeat. They knew it was okay to make a mistake as long as they took action to correct and learn from their mistakes. We let them as teenagers be teenagers....push the limit as healthy teenagers should do and we prayed they knew when they were about to cross the line, and they always did. We never kept them isolated or the reigns so tight on them that they couldn't do what teenagers do best meet people. We let them step out into the world and experience different cultures, religions, races and economic groups.

We let them set their own schedules: church, work, school and sports. And, we watched (in awe!) how they adjusted and prioritized their schedules. It was their schedules; not our schedules.

Never did we make them feel evil, bad or worthless. Love of God, love of self, and respect for all I think is what we accomplished through our parenting skills. Life is tough, love and respecting family should never be tough, it should be as easy as breathing.

[Jim Harnage]

Maureen, thank you for these comments. My mother carries the tough love to the point that if one us did not work we literally did without. That ran my brother off. If we cut off a finger from using the saw and she saw it she would say it's just too nbad you were told to not touch the saw and now you'll just have to live the pain. Bet you learned a lesson-tough love. That is not tough love that is neglifence.
If we were runnng our vehicles on back country roads against dad's permissoin as teens will do and their nature to do and blowed a tire we were told to walk home, get a tire, walk all the way back to the vehicle and put it on. That would teach us a lesson. The only lesson it taught my brothers was to hate God, hate love, and hate church.
There should be something else besides tough love. It should be God's love. Instruction with love. Instrcution and admonition laced with grace, a how-can-we=prevent-this-next-time conversation, and remember God forgives ubnconditinally.

[Maureen]

I don't know why parents can't find balance. They seem to either take discipline from the high to the low; from the abusive to the negligent or from the over disciplined to not discipling at all whatsoever. I don't get it.

Your flat tire story reminds me of all the times my husband and I would get calls late at night to go pull some teenager's car out of a ditch or fix a mechanical problem. Jon and I never understood fully why these kid's couldn't call their own parents. I guess the kids were scared of their own parents. Our girls knew they could call us from anywhere if they were in a situation they were uncomfortable with or broken down somewhere where they shouldn't have been .... they knew to call and we would come get them. One time my daughter was in a truck on a highway with some friends and we didn't know that was where she was. They were rear ended and as the crash was taking place my daughter was literally calling my husband on the phone. It should just be natural that children know where their safe haven in this world is and it should be in their family, in their home.

You said your brothers turned away from God and love .... how is it you turned to God? You don't have to answer that if that is too personal but something tells me that is a story in itself. And, whatever the story is it's all of us that are the lucky ones that get to be so blessed to read your words.

Maureen

[Jim Harnage]

Maureen;I don't brag to be the strong one of the siblings weighinh only 100 pounds 1t 18 when we were married. Carolyn was just out of the cradle at 17. I needed to get out of the harsh traditional and demanding world I was in so despertely that I proposed and engaged three times before meeting Carolyn.
I may have looked farther ahead than my siblings and had aspirations whereas they looked forward to Fridays, beer, dancing,women, and a hangover to brag about Monday. One brother only wanted women, a job, and a beer. The other turned to bull riding, girls, and beer. Now all my brothers have to show is a few belt buvkles, psirrosis of the liver, months in institutions drying out, multiple marriages, kids who hated them, and constant court child support battles. We were beat for alcohol, reading a dirty magazine, it seemed all of life's answers were to beat the hell out ofus and we would be better. My brothers went off the deep end with a ife of jail and alcoholisma and I somehow vowed a new life.

After marrying Carolyn on April 14, 1977 the first thing I did was move her from a hard life of cold and hunger and me from what I called a physically and emotionaly abused lifestyle. We were two peas in a pod.
I was tired of being beat for the past few years becuae my hair was too long, or caught smoking a cigarette, or reading a magazine and demanded to uphold church traditions and rituals that I physically could not and kept me sick all the time. There were other punishments I felt were too creul to mention here. I was tired of moving with dad in the ministry having moved well over 20 times in my life. The "folks" were not liking me for moving as I was the brains and charisma that brought people into the church and family togetherness. I wold not face the fury of their wrath until I came home and all hell broke loose against me in 2008 when I took it on myself and the Holy SPirit to confront my demons of abuse, the family inndividuals responsible for it and thosw who had hidden it behind the sermons and the pulpit. I call it pulpit rape.
I moved us out of it all. In South Florida we concieved our first child then a second.I promised that my kids would come up in more love and balance than I did. As they growed up and began to go through the phases it really was fun, if harrowing sometimes to follow them and grow with them. I went with them to the movies. When they wanted paint thier nails black and have tattos and wear yellow hair, we allowed them just so much and placed limits and they wre satisfied to get a little of ther way. Their friends even thought we were cool. I emphasize here though that we always taught our children that tats, colored hair, big rings, and black clothing did not make them a Christian and surelt did not gauge their "coolness." We taught them that manliness and feminism come from Jesus in our hearts. To obey Jesus makes us real men and women and belived it or not they taught others at school that it is ok to wear a black skirt with skeleton earings but that is not gauges you as a perons or gauge your strenghth.
When we pulled up in front of the theater with them in the xcar I placed Jason's cd on a rap song so that his frieds would think he was cvool and he was satisfief with that. I allowed them to experiment to wring the curiosity out of them. When they went through the alcohol scene I went to a party with them and let my son have a drinklong enough to not look cool. Then he was appreciative it and then it was my turn for me to have my way. We made deals all the time. This for that. He gets I recieve something in turn. Drugs and alcohol abuse were a no no at all. Kids are going to drink and it is best to insteadof beating thrm, grounding therm, to GO AHEAD AND TEACH THEM LIMITS and self-control.
If we don't then they will not know how to conduct themselves or handle themselves under pressure. Now my son will not drink a beer in a vehicle. His friends come over, build a fire, and drink a beer and I have many of his friends to Christ justbecuase I didn't run them off. They come to me for prayer and counsel about love, sex, alcohol, drugs, music, and they give me the cooolest things and most of all they give me love and accept my love.
Carolyn is MOM to them as most of thier dads are in prison including 4 of our past sheriffs for drugs and conspiracy.
I built my life on Jesus and these kids and led me to beging the ministry at Silent Ministry that does more good without the traditional yellling fire and hellish damnatin that these kids do not need.
I wear their clothes, T-shirts of AC DC, and their jewlery and in exchange they wear myine of Jesus the cross and other inspiratinal expressins.
Always deal with teens. Never make ultiimatuns BECASE TEENS WILL BEAT YOU AT ULTIMATUMS. Deal and pray. Tic for tac.
My son wanted to take guitar lessons. As a professnial guitarist making albums myself gospel and country but he wanted to do rock. So...I leanred rock with him. Now he takes the time to glorify Jesus to his frieds at some point in hisd playing.
Both Jay and Christy are leaders now reflecting the leading and cousel we gave them. Many adults go crazy in life with life and drugs and sex becuae they qwere exremely sheltered from it. We taught our the ropes and the limitatins. There is no need to scream and punish a child when we find out she is having sex. Than is the time to her about her body, his body, birth control, birth, the repsonsibiity, and life. This isn't condoning anythinh but it is preparing her for life and that is what the Bible says to do. Train them up in the wat they should go and they won't forget it/us.
God's grace delievered me, lleaving my family behind, turning my back on the family I loved but who were creating an agonizinf for me, trusting God, being detrmined prepared us and kept us.
We would nee it becuase when we came home I had a load of hell awaiting me that changed our whole life again in October of 2008. But that is another storey of betrayal, brutal character assasination, and spiritually bloody triumph when I on e and for all exposed the molestation and abuse and took my testimony public. Our web site took over 100 hits the night my testimony came out. My family sent me letters and cards and let me know that I was not their family anymore and that I was dead and a dog to them. Tempers flared and things were siad. I even had to contact law enforcement to on family. I meant to expose and overthrow a almost century long web of lies, abuse, and destruction that had dominated me for years. It as over and I began to hand out the "I don't owe you anymore." That zeal lead me to begin a counsel and site for abused, children, needy, disadvantaged, and discriminatede. It even leadme into a federal investigation into child abuse, child sex ring where dads were trading their little girls to pay their migration fees to coyotes at the border. It brought me extreme and extensive expereince and frineds in the FBI, GBI and DEA.We suffeeed for our stand and we still suffer but just as thorugh training our children our children have been there now for us. I'll be happy to answer any questoins about anything regarding my testimony.
God bless you
Jim
Love;
Jim

[Maureen]

Jim,

Thanks for sharing. Your story is amazing in that you went through so much and had the inner strength and spirituality to break that circle of abuse and to grow up and become from what sounds like an excellent parent. Your children are so very lucky to have you and your wife as their parents. Your children are there for you now because they love you, because you and your wife taught them how to love.

It's sad that other parents that went through a lot less in their upbringing grew up to become horrible parents. I think it's called laziness....spiritually and otherwise. Faster to hit or ignore than to work on a positive solution.

And, I agree with you when you said "GO AHEAD AND TEACH THEM LIMITS and self-control" .... trying to shelter teenagers is the biggest mistake parents make. How are they ever supposed to make it in the real world if they are never exposed to challenges and temptations? Exposure helps them learn how to make positive choices in their lives. It deglamorizes whatever it is they thought might be cool. If you are never confronted with a challenge in life and if you are never given the tools to work through it how do you ever get through life, grow up to be a responsible, loving adult who makes positive life decisions? Yep, never shelter a teenager.

So it sounds to me like whatever demons are still lurking around you that you already know you can conquer them. And, something tells me "your family" of your childhood was never really your family. DNA does not make a family. Just take a deep breath and enjoy the gift of transcending the past to become an excellent spouse and parent and an extremely excellent person to take your experiences good and bad to help others. You've done good!

Maureen

[Jim Harnage]

Maureen; It has to be the Spirit of the Lord to show you that I never really had a famiy.
DNA does not make a family. I felt a release n my spsirit when you aid those words.
For years I have caried a weight of thousands of pounds on me of guilt wondering was I wrong for feeling that I really never had a loving family.
I have dealt with it but I can't remember once loving Christmas or one loving meal around the table. My happiness began when I married the womanGod wanted me to have. We have had our lows and highs and we alswys "eventua;;y" forgive you know after us husbands pout a little HA! and we ar e fine. We forgive each other vebally and in spirit.
God is an awesoe God to see us through being on our own.
My kids never had nana and papa. My parents have never observed my kids birthdays and they are 26 and 28 now. They have never attended my grandkids birthdays becuase they were always miffed at me becuase i refused to conform to their ways that they wanted me to raise my family which was ultra victorian.
Then mom decided one day to charge me with the aI was supposed to be giving them money to support heir ministry and i am talking thousands of dollars here. I refused and e were morethan md then.
I have dweribed the tip of the iceberg. I am a published author and recently copleted 3 more manuscripts that reflect my expereinces and God's grace to see us through that publishers are wating on a date to begin publishing.
You are a might warrior in Christ to listen to thins nut you ave sertainly been a blessing today to me. You are family to me than family.