Why all kids need to learn the facts about dating abuse.

[Sara/Peace4 Co-Founder]

Raina Kelley
When Boys Shouldn’t Be Boys

I talk about my son a lot in my columns. I'm already bracing myself for the day when he can read them and decides to sue me for libel. That's why I don't talk about his toilet habits or obsessive love of vacuum cleaners.

Gabe is a real nut, always trying to squeeze himself into spaces where he won't fit (a dresser drawer, for example) or dive onto the floor from the highest spot he can climb. When he's not hiding the contents of my wallet under the living-room rug, he can often be found pushing the dining-room chairs into his room or shredding toilet paper.

I have to admit, if my sanity weren't at risk, I might actually encourage all his shenanigans. It's so spirited and charming and, well, entertaining. Besides, I want him to be fearless and brave.

But lately, with the story of pop singer Rihanna and the abuse she received from her now ex-boyfriend Chris Brown once again all over the news, I've begun to think more seriously about how to raise a boy. And combined with the guilt all new moms have, I've become afraid that my "que sera sera" attitude is a tad too close to "boys will be boys." I want him to be fearless and brave enough to stand for the courage of his convictions, not grow up to produce Girls Gone Wild videos.

Rihanna: Chris Brown 'Had No Soul in His Eyes'

Surely, there must be a way to educate boys about violence outside of just repeating the mantra "Never, ever, hit a woman." I don't think that's working.

According to a 2008 survey sponsored by Liz Claiborne, nearly 20 percent of teenage girls who've been in a relationship say they have also been victims of abuse, whether it is verbal, physical, or sexual.

A study done this year found that recession may be partly to blame for the recent rise in relationship violence—67 percent of teens in families with economic problems also report abuse. (Thanks to the Wellesley Centers for Women for giving me a crash course on how serious and pervasive this topic really is.)

I think it's time to go a little deeper than "only cowards beat up women." True, there are already some programs out there that teach boys how to respect girls. Men Stopping Violence has been working on abuse prevention for more than 20 years and the Family Violence Prevention Fund has launched the Coaching Boys Into Men initiative.

But there is no wealth of resources on the topic and it certainly doesn't get much media coverage. That's a wasted opportunity. Hours and hours of TV time have been spent discussing how Rihanna got into that situation, but there has not been a whole lot of reflection on how Chris Brown ended up with his fists as his only means of communication, beyond mentioning that he witnessed abuse as a child.

There is evidence that growing up in an abusive home can teach children that violence is the only way to express anger. But there are many men out there who grew up in violent homes and didn't become abusers, and there are some men who get the idea to beat up their girlfriends all on their own.

We need to know more. How else will we figure out how to stop this kind of violence? I'm not suggesting we find mitigating circumstances for domestic violence. But I think we should trace this kind of violence to all its sources, whether they be violence in the home or sexism or a malformed view of masculinity. I've written about how to keep girls from growing up to be victims—boosting their self-esteem, confidence, education, opportunity, and, perhaps most importantly, the strength and knowledge necessary to resist stereotyping that places limits on what they can be based on their gender. But that's only half the equation—there wouldn't be many victims if there weren't any victimizers.

I've been thinking about what I'd like my son to know about girls, love, and respect. I don't think it's going to be easy. The trick, according to all these organizations, seems to be talk, talk, and more talk. Myself and every woman I know received hours of instructions on how to be a good girl. "Be a lady." "You are judged by the company you keep." "Don't you dare leave the house looking like that." "A boy will say and do anything to have sex with you."

Rather than counting on all the girls to be ladies—especially since the obedience and meekness required of ladies may actually get you into an abusive situation—why not try to focus more on teaching boys to be gentlemen?

We need to speak more frankly to kids of both genders about physical, sexual, and verbal violence. That same Liz Claiborne study found that while moms and dads thought they'd talked to their kids about abuse, 66 percent of the daughters surveyed say they hadn't talked to their parents about it in more than a year. Four out of five of those same parents were sure they would see the signs of abuse, but a majority couldn't name those signs.

I plan on risking my future teenager's wrath by never shutting up about treating women with respect. And I will sit next to him on the couch for the next 55 years telling him life is nothing like television, not even reality TV. He needs to knows that many of the characterizations of women presented in prime time are not accurate. Contrary to the opinions of crime-show writers (the Parents Television Council has reported a 400 percent increase in depiction of violence against underage girls from 2004 to 2009), there are other uses for female characters than as victims.

In her recent interview with ABC, Rihanna told Diane Sawyer that fan mail helped give her strength to leave Chris Brown. "When I realized that my selfish decision for love could result in some young girl getting killed, I could not be easy with that part," she said. The sad truth is that Rihanna is lucky that she has thousands of supportive strangers to tell her what she needed to know. We need to make sure we give our own kids the right advice from the start.

[boldirishlass]

This generation more than any other has incredible challenges. There is a book out at the moment, titled "Living in the Age of Entitlement, the Narcissism Epidemic". This generation of kids is controlled by the culture. They tweet, they blog, they text, they are assaulted with violent images in their music, in their movies and in their television shows. We have to counter this attack on this generation by saying NO to the culture they are assaulted by and teach and train them in the ways of the Lord. Get them early into a church group for youth. Let these other kids be their peers. We need to encourage them to go out and serve in their communities so they can empathize with others. We cannot overindulge them. We have to resist allowing our children to experience disappointment, pain, rejection, and every other uncomfortable emotion. It breeds character and that is what we really want. Good luck to all the parents of younger children in these very very difficult times. May God Bless You and your children.

[Lorena Jones]

I have a four year old son who is the delight of my heart (next to his father). Both his father and I grew up in less than perfect circumstances. Raising a child from scratch has been a challenge for us because obviously we don't want our Angel Boy to grow up like we did. It's hard, especially with all the garbage being shoved in our faces on a daily basis. I thank God for an awesome church family, and for grandparents that have changed their lives and assist us in trying to raise our son to "use his powers for good'" as I like to say!!! He is an amazing child! I know I can't protect him from everything, but I can teach him to handle situations in a positive way. That is one of my many goals, anyway.

I believe it takes a village to raise a child, but you have to be careful of who is in your village. I try to surround myself with like-minded people, for instance, and I don't let my son leave my side with just anyone. Yes, that means that I don't get out much, but I signed on for parenthood with my eyes wide open, It is no longer about me or my husband, but this beautiful gift from God that He has intrusted us to "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

[boldirishlass]

Amen Lorena! God has certainly placed the right heart in you and the right direction. God bless you and your family. As an older woman with some wisdom and two grown magnificent children with lovely hearts and lots of compassion to the hurting in this world, always seek out the wisdom of the women in your church life who have raised up children to adults with compassion and character for advice. Don't listen to the world. And you might want to do some ministry work in that church to help other parents who are not as clear as to the direction they are to go. Just my thoughts you really are getting into this with the right direction. God bless you.